Thursday, October 16, 2008

Happy Birthday, Sis.

Warning: if it's important to you to keep your high and worshipful regard for me, today's post is a good one to skip. Just saying.

So it's my sister's birthday and after thinking about it long and hard, I finally decided what to get the girl who doesn't have everything but she lives in a different state and adding postage to the cost of any present makes it way too expensive to send. Or not really, but I never get to the post office in time for anything. Ask the IRS.

But I thought of the perfect gift: a long overdue apology.

One time, when I came home from college for Christmas, my (younger by five years) sister was going out with some of her friends. I was particularly cranky that night for some reason, and when she came whipping around the corner of the hallway to grab something she forgot, she stepped on my bare foot.

"Ha, ha! Sorry about that!" she tossed over her shoulder on the way to her room. My former room. I followed her.

"That hurt. You need to apologize for real." Don't ask me what was wrong with me. I said I was cranky.

An eyeroll. "I did apologize."

"It wasn't sincere. Make it sincere."

Here's the part where I don't remember exactly what happened next but I'm sure she said something like "Make me" and I probably took her up on it because we ended up in a slap fight. Yeah, I was at least twenty years old and we were still in a slap fight. This happened a lot. The thing is, at some point, usually after thirty seconds, we would realize how stupid it was and start laughing and then we would get over whatever caused the slap fight in the first place.


But that night, she busted up laughing and I was still mad. Because apparently I took my evil pills that night. So while she sat on her bed giggling, I blocked the door and said something really cool like, "You better quit smiling."

And I think she said, "Move. Everyone's waiting for me in the car."

And I said, "Too bad. You're still smiling and you still haven't apologized."

And she probably said, "Make me," again.

And for some reason, I totally lost it. And I punched her.

Right under the eye.

We slapped for years, and occasionally had on-the-floor headlock brawls. But we never punched, and we definitely never punched in the face.

Her hand flew up to cover the red welt that popped up, and after a second of shocked silence (where I admit I felt a little satisfaction because I'm a bad person), she ran to my dad in the livingroom and said, "Melanie punched me!" and pointed to her eye.

And because he was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and because the accusations my brother and sister made that I was spoiled are totally true, my dad looked up distractedly at her bright pink welt and then over at me leaning defiantly against the wall, and then he said to my sister, "You probably shouldn't bother her."

Her mouth fell open, I laughed, and she stormed out.

So here's the apology: I totally shouldn't have laughed when he said that.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, yeah. And your Kiva gift certificate is in your email.


Jami said...

Ah, evil pills. I had a prescription for those as well.

Alison Wonderland said...

I didn't get in physical fights with my sistrs often but when I did I made it count! Nicely done.

Heather of the EO said...

Um. Is it bad that I like you even more now?

Kimberly said...

Ditto to Heather's comment.

Emily said...

Melanie! You're a closet sister slapper? SO AM I!


That feels good to get that off my chest. I like you even more, and I admire you for having a relationship with your sister.

Mine hates me for being born (words verbatim out of her mouth to my mom) and we don't talk. In fact, I'm pretty sure we'd get into another sister slap if I saw her.

Embarrassing, I know.

I'm going to try to be a better person. It's a good thing I have four other sisters I like.

P.S. I meant to tell you earlier, but I like the new look of your blog.

Josi said...

LOL--better late than never. I think my sisters owe me some apologies. I was always so good to them.

LisAway said...

You're a horrible person.

Abra said...

I was on the brunt end of lots of sister slapping... does JUDO count as sister-slapping?
I'm going to pretend it does.
My sister used to do JUDO on me, and I occasionally slapped her back... usually I ran to the couch and buried my head. She would always laugh at me when I did that but...
I'm not gonna lie here just 'cause it's you.
It hurt less.

Pink Ink said...

Melanie, wow. I hope your sister accepted your gift graciously.

I don't advocate fighting,'kay? But honestly, sometimes I've thought punches would be better than silent treatment...

Melanie's favorite sister said...

I totally don't remember that.

Eowyn said...

Evil pills. I take those far too frequently.

That's a hilarious story!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Phew! I can't tell you this post has relieved my guilt over the "fight" my sister and I had earlier this week via email. (When you're old like we are, you move on to more efficient ways of hurting each other. Something to look forward to, I know.)