Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Infinity plus one

I am "friends" with girl Topper. And by "friends," I mean we are thrown together often in social situations. She drives me a little nuts because no matter how good or bad YOU have it, she has it better/worse.

I have known her for months now and it never fails. Real conversations I've heard include:

Never mind. I transcribed three verbatim conversations to make my point but I deleted them to protect the guilty. Because you know, whatever critical thing I say on my blog, she'll just top on hers, which would suck. And also because it's wrong. Even though she doesn't read my blog.

It's a little wearing. Wherever you've worked, she's worked somewhere just like it, only better. Whoever you know, she's known longer. Plus she knows their neighbors and mailman. Wherever you shop, she gets a discount. Whatever you eat, she makes from scratch.

Did I say it's a little wearing? I meant downright obnoxious.

I want to like her. I really do. But she makes it really, really hard.

"I think I have a cold."
"Oh, yeah? I sneezed and my uterus came out."

"We're going to Hawaii on vacation."
"I used to be Miss Hawaiian Tropic."

"We might get a dog."
"My mother-in-law breeds them."
"Which kind?"
"Every kind. In the whole world. She's the Noah of dog breeding."

I think I might take up yoga just so I can do some kind of holistic anger management. Although that's a little strong. It's more like irritation management.

Then again, it probably wouldn't matter. She probably teaches yoga. She probably owns a yoga studio. She probably owns all the yoga studios in my whole city.

Forget yoga.

See? She ruined that now, too.

Top that.


Luisa Perkins said...

We know a whole family like this. They have seven kids (including one set of twins). Wife has been president of every Church auxiliary. Husband is in the Mission Presidency. The kids all are fluent in three languages, never fight, get perfect grades, and the oldest boy got his Eagle Scout when he was 12. They're all fit, trim, and have lower golf handicaps than we do.

Yes: I'm making all this up.

DeNae said...

Knowing that these people are super-insecure in no way diminishes my impulse to throttle them. I've got a SIL like this, and she adds the whole "really, it's no big deal" tone of voice and shrug to the mix.

"Your kids aren't all national merit scholars? Oh, well, it's no big deal."


(BTW, sneezing your uterus out is dang near the funniest image I've had in my head in a long time.)

Becca said...

Confession moment: the time this bugs me the worst? When I find myself SO ANNOYED by the girl who knows everything about everything and needs to tell me.

Because doesn't she know that's MY JOB?

Sometimes I wish I could push her down the stairs.

And also maybe myself.

Debbie said...

People like that are so annoying! I feel for you.

Kazzy said...

I laughed out loud! Funny comments too. This is the first post I have read this morning, and now I am ready for my day!

Annette Lyon said...

I love what DeNae said.

This post was hilarious--and it's sad that we can all relate to it so well!

Amber Lynae said...

This is a sadly funny post. So many of us have toppers in our life. Why can't they understand that just listening with empathy or offering congratulations is all they need to do. I wonder if most toppers know what they are doing, or if they just think they are being conversational.

I'm sorry for the annoyance, and yoga being ruined.

Chantele said...

I definitely have a brother-in-law exactly like this! It's so annoying! (Hopefully your friend didn't really sneeze her uterus out. That would hurt! It brought a funny image to my head though, I will admit...)

Anonymous said...

I don't just have ONE acquaintance like that, I have TEN. In fact, my whole neighborhood and ward is like that, only more so.

Kidding. But I sadly know exactly what you're talking about here. Don't you hate it when people feel compelled to do things that amount to social suicide, and they're probably going to keep doing it for their whole lives and not even realize their own role in their ever-intensifying loneliness?

I have an acquaintance who has a heart of gold, really, and also seems kind of lonely and needs friends, and whose style of interaction is to interrupt with solutions before you've even finished describing a problem that you weren't even seeking a solution to (just empathy,) or she's just thoughtless and even rude (and I was about to give a dramatic verbatim example, but I remembered and agree with the idea that it's not a good idea to put things like that in print.) In this case I really do know (because of things I've heard her say) that she really doesn't mean to offend anyone or drive anyone away -- but it's STILL hard to interact with her. Maybe because I don't feel like I'm actually interacting, but just being talked at. (Sigh.)

charrette said...

That's nothing. I have a friend who is TEN TIMES worse than your friend...


My daughter struggles with a friend like yours, (and she even tries to top her PROBLEMS, which is strangely sick). I'm going to forward this post to her. I think helping her laugh about it will be very good therapy. And you are one funny girl!

Janette Rallison said...

You need to have one of your friends forward this blog link to her. What's the worst that could happen? She'll recognize you're talking about her and be so mad that she doesn't speak to you again. And the downside to that would be?

Okay, maybe I'm not really that heartless. Just smile at her and say, "What an interesting life you've had. You should write a book."

And then imagine Oprah yelling at her like she did at James Frey.

Kristina P. said...

Oooooh, the one upper. I had a coworker who was a negative one upper. No day was ever worse than his.

And then I punched him in hte face, and his day really was worse than mine.

Shellie said...

sounds like penolope off of SNL!

kelberology 101 said...

I am sorry but I have to say this, "I have actually seen someone sneeze and their uterus popped out a little bit." Nurses see things like that sometimes. But I didn't say that to be a topper. I atually am very good at underacheiving these days.

Emily said...

Um . . . some people are just not meant to make and keep friends.

She falls in that category,

She is toxic.

I'd run the other way before she infects you and you become a "Friend Topper!"

But I'd still like you even if you did.


nano*ink said...

You shouldn't talk about me that way. It might hurt my feelings!!

L.T. Elliot said...

Danae and Kristina's comments were great.
That yoga thing made me laugh. =]

Erin said...

...and that's why I wrote about friendship on my blog last week. I can't stand one-uppers. Yuck!

wonder woman said...

You are too funny.

Can't wait for your book!!

Though the book I will write someday will be twice as long and make 3 times the money and as yours.

Just sayin'. ;)

Lazy Writer said...

There's one in every crowd! Personally, I think it's because they are insecure.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Some great comments this time around... you have clever readers! :)

I'm afraid that I have impulses in situations like this to just shout out in the middle of the conversation something to this tune:

"Oh yeah? Well, while I was on an African Safari with Paris Hilton and Mother Teresa, I did mouth-to-mouth on an ailing near-extinct rhino species, and then after I was on the talk-show circuit and a couple of magazine covers, I wrote a few books and joined Lance Bass on a space shuttle journey. Oh and the prophet wrote me a letter to tell me how good I am at all I do, .... but your story is really great too."

And then watch gleefully as they are temporarily stupified.

I think I have issues.

Kimberly said...

I know a gal like that, except she only tops the negative stuff, and looks at you with unabashed annoyance when your life dares to be going better than hers. Wearing indeed.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I have a friend that is like that also! It really IS frustrating! I think they are attracted to me, but then again, I'm not hard to one up! :)

Aubrey said...

I bet she doesn't have a book coming out soon! Hehehehehe. :)

She doesn't, right? Cause that would just be the last straw.

Alison Wonderland said...

But I want to hear those conversations! Can you just email them to me?

Alison Wonderland said...

What I meant to say is that I know three girls who top every story of mine and they do it... um... ok, I really suck at this game.

Jami said...

But you have so much in common!

Lara said...

The worst is how it always happens when women are discussing childbirth stories.

"I was in labor for 26 hours!"

"Oh yeah? Well, I was in labor for a HUNDRED and 26 hours. And I did it all naturally."

"Well, I was in labor for only 2 hours"

"That's nothing. I had my baby in Walmart."


I don't get it. What's so great about being in labor for a hundred hours? Or not?

Eowyn said...

That was an awesome post and the comments are gold!

Can't top you though. I'm pretty sure no-one I know can top a uterus being sneezed out!