I am "friends" with girl Topper. And by "friends," I mean we are thrown together often in social situations. She drives me a little nuts because no matter how good or bad YOU have it, she has it better/worse.
I have known her for months now and it never fails. Real conversations I've heard include:
Never mind. I transcribed three verbatim conversations to make my point but I deleted them to protect the guilty. Because you know, whatever critical thing I say on my blog, she'll just top on hers, which would suck. And also because it's wrong. Even though she doesn't read my blog.
It's a little wearing. Wherever you've worked, she's worked somewhere just like it, only better. Whoever you know, she's known longer. Plus she knows their neighbors and mailman. Wherever you shop, she gets a discount. Whatever you eat, she makes from scratch.
Did I say it's a little wearing? I meant downright obnoxious.
I want to like her. I really do. But she makes it really, really hard.
"I think I have a cold."
"Oh, yeah? I sneezed and my uterus came out."
"We're going to Hawaii on vacation."
"I used to be Miss Hawaiian Tropic."
"We might get a dog."
"My mother-in-law breeds them."
"Every kind. In the whole world. She's the Noah of dog breeding."
I think I might take up yoga just so I can do some kind of holistic anger management. Although that's a little strong. It's more like irritation management.
Then again, it probably wouldn't matter. She probably teaches yoga. She probably owns a yoga studio. She probably owns all the yoga studios in my whole city.
See? She ruined that now, too.
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