Friday, January 16, 2009

Is there a problem, officer?

My husband is a God-fearing, law abiding man who does NOT fight with his wife (in case you missed that in the comment trail yesterday). He pays his taxes, donates to charity and believes that work is a godly principle.

Which is why I'm sad I have to tell you this...

But every time he goes to the bank, he thinks about how to rob it.

Now mind you, he doesn't want to actually rob it. He just thinks it's interesting to think about how he would pull it off. And what's more, he insists that this is a pretty common thing for guys to do. I've done some field research and discovered that he's telling the truth.

According to one of his former roommates, a psychology major, this is called an intrusive thought and we all have them. Our sanity is determined by how well we resist acting on them. By this measure, my husband is a completely sane man. Note to the FBI or whoever is monitoring Google alerts for the phrase "robbing banks", my husband HAS NOT and WILL NOT ever rob a bank. Mkay?

Still, this little quirk of his does lead me to my Friday Favorites. If you've been following me for a while, you know I've covered everything from favorite fruits to recipes for wall boogers. Today is all about my favorite intrusive thoughts.


Hm. I guess I don't have any that are moldering because I'm a tad impulsive and do things when they come into my head. I'll have to call in an expert.

KENNY...! Oh, there you are.

1. One time, Kenny was driving down the street and he saw a guy in a bunny costume and he thought, "What if I walked up and just punched that guy in the stomach?" But then he immediately thought it was mean and felt bad. He still feels sad that he ever thought that.

2. Whenever my husband stands on Pacific Coast Highway to cross to the beach, he watches the traffic whiz by and wonders, "I wonder what would happen if I just jumped out in front of all those cars?" But I'm supposed to let you know he has no suicidal tendencies. He doesn't even like the band.

3. Sometimes when he's in business meetings, he gets these intrusive thoughts where he does or says inappropriate things. Like standing up in the middle of the meeting and saying, "I'm bored" and leaving. Except he doesn't acutally do that.

Oh, I thought of one I often have. See, I have an amazing talent for belching which I NEVER share because I think it's super gross. But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I let a mighty belch pour forth in the middle of sacrament meeting, like when the high councilman is speaking.

And sometimes when I have a stomachache while I'm driving and I accelerate toward home and my OWN personal bathroom, I think about how if a cop tried to pull me over, I'd make him follow me home and wait until I did my business before he could write me the ticket.

Is that oversharing?

But seriously, to the Google cops:

1. My husband isn't a bank robber.

And to the rest of you:

2. We have not had a single real argument in our entire marriage. No raised voices, no silent treatment. Kenny feels it's important to tell you that, since he thinks my ironic tone might have been too subtle yesterday. And I will gladly clear that up because Kenny is my Friday and Everyday favorite.


Sue said...

My husband and I plan bank robberies ALL THE TIME. Whenever we hear about bank robberies, instead of being all tsk tsk, we totally analyze what they did wrong and how we would've been so much smarter and never gotten caught. It it an intrusive thought if you've sketched out your plans in writing?

As for jumping out into traffic, I do the car version. I'll be driving down the road and I'll think, what would happen if I just yanked on the steering wheel and drove into the divider. I don't WANT to do it, but it's like this OCD thought that appears now and then.

And I can't be in high places because I can't stop thinking about accidentally jumping off. Like at Hoover Dam I would always have these daymares about jumping off. Because lots of people accidentally jump off the Hoover Dam. Yeah.

Oh dear. Now I sound vaguely disturbed. (waves to Kenny)

Sue said...

What am I doing up at this hour? I have NO IDEA.

Oh, wait. Reading your blog.


LisAway said...

Oh! I thought you guys were throwing things at each other! :)

I'm glad you don't share your belching talent. I believe it IS a talent (I can't do it) but one that, like nudity, should only be shared with those very close to you who appreciate it. Except I'm not really saying nudity is a talent. I'm just talking about the sharing it part.

Debbie said...

I didn't know these thoughts had a real name. That's great.
Since becoming a mom, mine have mostly involved kids that are mean to my kids. I will think about tripping them as they walk up the aisle in church. Really great stuff, like that.

Kristina P. said...

I do the same car version as Sue, sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I think I've recovered enough from my loss of yesterday's long comment to try again to tell you why it's even worse to argue with a husband who's a chemical engineer (not that you and Kenny ever argue.)

So, I have this nifty vacuum sealer (AS SEEN ON TV! -- you use it to vacuum-seal food so it keeps longer in your fridge or freezer,) and it came with a canister that you can also vacuum seal the lid onto, and I use the canister for storing brown sugar. I find the brown sugar stays moist much longer in the canister than in other containers I've tried.

Dean says there's nothing about a vacuum that would cause brown sugar to stay moist longer. He's got an entire logical scientific explanation for this, the details of which I don't recall, because I don't care, because I just know the canister works (not forever, but, like I said, better than anything else I've tried.)

It wouldn't really matter if our disagreement were purely theoretical, but every time he would use the canister, he'd follow his own counsel and leave it unsealed. And when I would find, later, that the brown sugar had dried out, he'd tell me it would have dried out anyway.

We finally compromised in that I've admitted that the retained moistness has nothing to do with the vacuuming per se, but rather with the airtightness of the seal on the lid (which is somehow a separate issue from the vacuum seal, scientifically speaking,) and he's conceded that, although *he* thinks there are plenty of other containers with lids that seal just as airtight as the vacuumed one, he'll seal the lid after he uses the brown sugar anyway, just to keep me happy.

Mabel (age 8) is telling me "Ugh! You leave the longest comments! End your comment politely, like [Mabel's cousin/my niece] does -- say something like 'I'll shut up now!' or 'Shutting up would be a good thing to do now.'"

(But I'm not done.)

I do have to say that I'm 100% (or more if it were possible) with Kenny on the 110% thing -- maybe because one of my earliest memories of that expression is when Wells Fargo advertised that they were "currently giving 110%." Besides being mathematically impossible and a big fat lie, it's particularly alarming when your *bank* can't understand basic math like percentages.

(It almost makes you want to figure out how to rob them.)

Shutting up now.

shellie said...

I've done the same thing. I also think about how if I was attacked/raped/murdered how I could get attackers DNA or leave my DNA.

Annette Lyon said...

This is almost disturbing--I've had the car crash thoughts. I had no idea how many others are as weird as I am.

And while I haven't plotted how to rob a bank, I used to think up ways to defeat store security systems--although I'd never actually shoplift anything.

Honestly? I think it's creative minds that do this. (It's the sign of a writer! Yeah. That's it.)

Josi said...

For me it's dead bodies--I'm constantly seeing places that would be perfect for hiding a body. When it snows, I often thing "Dang, if I'd hid a dead body up in the mountains, I'd be safe until spring--wouldn't I be loving this snowstorm?" I feel so free to be able to say this!

CaJoh said...

I guess I've had those intrusive thoughts like "what would happen if I jump in front of this train right now" but I always stop myself thinking "how stupid you are" and move on.

So glad to know that you don't have arguments— perhaps they are just "heated conversations".

Jami said...

You people are sick! (OK, not really.)

Hm. Unbidden and bizarre thoughts.

I find myself pondering how I could hide from the mob/bad guys with six kids in tow. The hair dye. The convincing the kids to pretend to be different genders. The swapping of license plates every now and then. The acquisition of new documents. That sort of thing. It's oddly satisfying.

Oh and also how I would survive if I was the last person on earth. Always a good one.

earlfam said...

I did not know the car crashing one was so common. That's my big one. I used to have the jumping off or in front of things, but I don't really so much any more.

Knowing Kenny the first part of #1 shocks me and the second part makes perfect sense.

Becky said...

If my husband the High Councilor (and I don't use that title to brag, honestly - he's only 30 so we're still in shock) ever speaks in your ward, feel free to rip one out. He'd probably join right in!

Emily said...

Be sure to invite me to your Sacrament meeting when you belch, and Kenny's business meeting when he announces his boredom.

I wouldn't want to miss either of those priceless events.

Anonymous said...

Once my dad got up on a bus and tried to get everyone to sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat in a Round. He told me about this and I thought it was just one of those sociological experiments he's always fantasizing about doing. Years later, I find out from my step mom that he actually DID this one. She was with him. And she was mortified.

Sometimes when I'm up high, I wonder what it would be like to just let myself flop over the edge. Then I get all vertigo-y and wonder WHY I always think these thoughts. I guess now I know. And I can say I'm saner than my dad. Phew!

Aubrey said...

I have this crazy fear of accidently falling into large bodies of water. And it's worse if it's dirty water. Even if it's completely inaccessible, I still have this nagging feeling that I'm somehow going to end up in it. I had dreams for about a month once that I was drowning, so maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee. LOL. ROTFLOL. I loved this post again. That's 2 days in a row I've totally totally loved them with a passion.

Irony rocks! I think you've found your groove.

And tell your husband to stop reading your blog.

April said...

My sister has intrusive thoughts and acts on them. Like falling in front of complete strangers and then pretending to cry like she's hurt.

She fake fights with whomever she's with in a crowd to draw attention to herself. But she never does anything that is illegal.

I'm glad that you and your husband worked out your problems! J/K!!!

Nancy said...

If the doorbell rings, it's that guy giving away a million dollars!

Kimberly said...

I am all about the intrusive thoughts. I have the ones Sue listed, plus a whole slew of others.

The most common one is wanting to shriek during the quietest part of church services...

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Ok, here goes. The one I have is always wondering what I would do if I accidentally drove into a lake or body of water. How would I get 3 children out of car seats and safely to the surface?

And on a less somber note, whenever I'm in meetings, I wish I could jump up and take over the meetings. I always think I could do it better and make it go MUCH faster. (So maybe that's more arrogance than intrusive thoughts, but it happens often.)

Heather of the EO said...

Whatever, you scream at each other all the time.

This is SOOOO funny. I have thought about the traffic one, but not because I want to do, it's just an intrusive thought!

Now I'm going to start thinking about robbing banks. You've planted the seed.

Alyssa Goodnight said...

Very occasionally I have these thoughts--more often they tend to be dreams.

Once again, I really liked the last line. (And I love the notebook look of your blog!)

Alison Wonderland said...

Funny that oyou guys never fight. I thought Sean and I were the only ones who never fight.

I think that kind of stuff all the time. ALL THE TIME!

Scribbit said...

I loved this post so much I made my husband listen to the first few paragraphs. He chuckled too and then when I paused he asked, "So what are his tips for how he'd do it?"

Apparently he's not the only one out there planning the Big Job. :)

Scribbit said...

Oh and now that I've read through the comments I'll admit I've had the car crash thoughts. "What if I turned the car and collided head on?" THen it disturbed me so much that I had the thought I felt guilty. Nice to know I'm now officially Sane.

clan of the cave hair said...

I can't believe I am only just now getting over here to check you out Melanie! This is such a funny topic to me. We live in a state where it is quite common to walk around "carrying"...if you know what I mean, and every once in a while my husband says something totally and completely outrageous about what might happen if he were to "unload"...sometimes its hilarious, and sometimes its quite disturbing.

Eowyn said...

Shoplifting. I think about how to do it all the time. I never would. I couldn't handle the guilt. Besides, there are all those freaky security cameras. . .

charrette said...

So funny. I've never planned a bank heist. But ever since I was a teenager I used to like to spot weaknesses in security and quick-and-easy shoplifting opportunities. None of which I took advantage of. Glad to know that means I'm not crazy.

And he SHOULD be your favorite. I LOVE it when you write about Kenny!

Mimi said...

I can't stand next to an open window in a high rise building because if I do I'm convinced I'll jump out of it. Irrational, I know, but I can't help it.

Summer said...

I deal with intrusive thoughts on a much more...intense level I suppose. I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I'm also a fabulous belcher and I think it's awesome!

crissy said...

I'm playing a game where I'm following links that catch my interest, which brought me to your blog and then to this post.
I was sitting right next to my husband while I read and I had to stop for a moment so I could ask him if he ever had those bank-robbery-thoughts.
"Yeah, sometimes."
"Like what?" I asked
"I don't know, sometimes when I walk in I'll just notice their security flaws."
I didn't know guys thought about this. Pretty funny.

I've had my own intrusive thoughts, most of which I'll never share because, even though I'd never act on them, I'm painfully embarrassed/ashamed by them.
Sometimes though, my intrusive thoughts have to do with eating entire cakes in single sittings (I have a really hard time fighting off that one), or taking a quick run while my babies are napping (but I'm not that irresponsible).

Qait said...

Hahaha, good for you! I'm so happy to find people like that-- my husband and I have never argued, either. No fights, no meanness.
I have "intrusive thoughts" all the time. >:)

ps: I started stalking your blog yesterday morning. I think I stumbled on it once a long time ago, too, though.