Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Sick to death

Facebook makes me the tiniest bit nuts. Don't get me wrong: I love it. I see no circumstance under which I would abandon it. But there are some things that make me crazy.

It's not the platform itself so much as the people who use it that are making me batty-bats. And before you even point it out, let me say that I realize all of my fascinating updates, i.e. the one I just did this evening: Eden is officially sitting up. She's a genius . . .

. . . are not for everybody. I am fully aware that MY updates are collectively, to someone else, one of those Christmas cards they get that makes them roll their eyes/laugh themselves silly/write a parody for SNL. I GET IT. 

But I still have my own pet peeves that have nothing to do with people whose children are just too precious for words--like mine. (Shut up. THEY ARE.)

So here we go. And if you want to know if I'm talking about you, yes, I am. And I say that because even if I said I wasn't, you would still think I am, you narcissist. So go ahead and assume I mean you (even though I don't).

You know who gets paid a lot of money to sit around and listen to health complaints? A DOCTOR. You know who doesn't? ME. So why inflict a list of ailments on everyone day after day in a never ending stream of status updates?

Seriously, do you know this person? The one who, out of ten updates, will include at least eight about aches, pains, sniffles, gas, burps, sneezes, and other minutiae related to their plumbing that no one BUT THEIR MOTHER cares about, and oh-my-gosh-by-now-even-SHE-is-sick-of-it? Because you know these people have been at it their whole lives. You know little Meg* (that's made up--insert your offender's name here) spoke her first words in this order:

"I have this blinding stabbing pain that is just killing me behind my right eye. And my bowels! Don't even get me started. Actually, that's the problem. I'm so constipated. It's like you're putting cheese in my sippy cup."

I firmly believe the reason that these people keep up a constant stream of this on Facebook is because they have exhausted all their real life friends.

Unfriend them! you say. No. That's mean. Complaining about them on my blog is much nicer.

I hide them. Then I'm not bugged and their feelings aren't hurt. (You still think it's you, don't you?)

I don't mind if you're not feeling so good every once in a while and you report on it. "Cold today. Ugh." I will say, "Bummer." And I'll probably check with you tomorrow to see how you're feeling.

But if you're news feed looks like this:

Jane Doe is sick again.
Jane Doe has a headache.
Jane Doe feels nauseous.
Jane Doe needs a good poop.
Jane Doe stubbed her toe.
Jane Doe got a paper cut.
Jane Doe's paper cut really hurts. Guys, I think I'm getting lockjaw.
Jane Doe just got back from the ER. Doc says it's not lockjaw. What a quack.
Jane Doe realized the doctor isn't a quack. It's not lockjaw, it's GANGRENE.
Jane Doe desperately needs someone to comment on my multiple pity grabs.

Well, then YOU have a problem.

But I don't any more. Because I hid you, remember?

P.S. I have no idea how this fits with my recent resolution to become a much kinder person, but I can't tell you how much better I feel for saying it.


Lara said...

I don't think I have too many people that are always complaining about being sick, but I have SEVERAL that constantly complain about everything in their lives that is going wrong. Sucks to be them. I just can't stand the negativity. Post something happy! Anything!

Kristina P. said...

So, you don't want to hear about the yeast infection in my throat?

Amber said...

Um, no bodily ailments but many, MANY, political things. Eck.

Wonder Woman said...

I have probably hidden 20 people. The people who only update when they want stuff for farmville, or swear in every update, or who just write the most boring, inane things.

I love the "hide" feature.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I knew this was all about me. I knew it!
Are we even friends on FB? I'm going to check as soon as my spleen stops aching... oh wait, I need to update my status.

Karen Peterson said...

I am SO with you!

I recently defriended someone who posts every time she goes to the dentist. Which is, apparently, a lot. And she likes to post pictures. I really didn't need to see the bloody mass of recently removed tooth, but thanks!

I mostly just hide people, too.

Kimberly said...

Stephanie's comment made me laugh as much as your post did! Bwahaha! Love it!

Sometimes being nice means venting a little behind someone's back instead of giving out to them face-to-face, right? It's totally the nicer option.


Carolyn V. said...

LOL! I have a friend from high school that does that. I had to hide her comments. I was catching too many colds just reading them. Hee hee.

NIKOL said...

One of my closest friends is like that. Every status update seems to be a plea for sympathy. Or it's something cloaked in mystery - just begging for people to ask for more information. It drives me crazy.

I didn't even know there was a hide feature. I am so behind the times.

Melinda said...

YES! I hate that, plus put on top of that when every status update is political (SO SICK OF IT), and also the super whiney people. Especially when you know the person and their life is NOT THAT BAD. I mean, I whine in my status updates but thats just because I have legitimate problems....yeah.

Erin said...

I don't even know how to hide people. But I just tried to look you up on Facebook by your name and couldn't find you. Maybe you have hidden yourself from me??

(P.S. I don't write about ailments on Facebook, I promise.)

Kazzy said...

The dark side of facebook, huh? It is a place for martyrs to exercise their skills.

LisAway said...

I don't have any regular sick-os, but I don't like those who post ONLY political things. Some is fine. Even a lot is fine, but if I never hear anything except about your political views, um, you're boring. (and of course I can't stand immaturity in political expression).

I have one who post like this, "Just got my nails done! :)))))" "Off to the gym. Muah! :))))" "Finished abs now on to arms! :)))))" etc. etc. and then every single day, "Time for night night. :)))))"

I started hating myself for judging her so I knew I had to hide her. :)

wendy said...

I guess this will really show my age
cause....on many levels, I don't get face book
people who list they have 100 gazillion friends
who KNOWS that many people let alone classify them as "friends"

and Jane Doe probably just needs an enema...on many levels

Terresa said...

FB is hilarity, it reminds me of a mix of my family reunions (gossip filled, farts, jokes, the whole nine yards) and an awful ward party, you know? Toss in a baby shower of an old high school friend & you've got it, FB.

I used to spend an hour or more on FB daily, then I switched to blogging more & Twitter, which is where I'm at now. I check FB & update once in awhile to stay current, but sheesh, it's a little bit overwhelming, you know? & honestly, I'd rather be blog reading/writing.

Amie B said...

oh my gosh - there are a few people who i had to "hide."

two of them were gay friends who had such offensive, vulgar status updates i felt like i needed to bathe in rubbing alcohol to get the skank off (let me be clear here, i have NO PROBLEM with my gay friends, just their extremely sexual status updates).

then i had to defriend someone who insisted on harrassing me because of my religous views (apparently raising children to be good christians is considered brainwashing - funny, i always thought it was teaching).

there's another person who is a constant complainer. their life sucks, they lost their job, they're sick, the dog died. yeah - i could write a country song based on their status updates.


Sarah M Eden said...

I hear ya, girlfriend.

I haven't ever unfriended someone for being like that, but I have hidden a few people. You... not hidden!

Anna said...

I have one on my FB that I know everytime she starts dating someone and every time she breaks up. She's a real nice person and I like her. I just don't think I could so easily put "in a relationship" so that everyone knows I'm with someone else every month or so.

I think a little of everything is a good thing. Post some about your kids.. but not EVERYTHING. Post randomness... but not every randomness.

I try to also keep my status updates to at most once a day. I have on occasion posted twice in one day. Typically I post every other day.

Charlotte said...

I have never noticed (maybe I have extremely healthy friends?), although now that you've brought it up I'm sure I'll notice. I'm not afraid of the hide button. Farmville is gone, most quizzes are gone, post every mundane thing you do every 30 seconds are gone, too.

What drives me nuts are the people always linking to their blog posts. Oh, wait...