Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dying laughing

I shouldn't have laughed. But I did. And I'm sure old ladies in the chapel were judging me. And I'm sure a smaller handful of old ladies was trying not to laugh, too.


But you guys . . . it was funny, even if Kenny couldn't fall asleep that night out of embarrassment because the scene kept playing behind his eyelids.


The choir performed on Sunday and Kenny's lovely tenor voice is much needed. Baby Eden decided she had to nurse at the tail end of the passing of the sacrament, so I hightailed it to the mother's lounge to oblige. The plan was to feed her enough so that she would be satisfied when I hustled back to the chapel to sit with the boys while Kenny went up during the choir number. See? I had it all planned nice and tidy.


Cue the second youth speaker who was both underprepared and highly nervous. He finished a few minutes faster than I expected (it's the first Sunday I've been in this ward where we had time left at the end of the program) and suddenly I'm popping a surprised baby off of my boob and jetting for the chapel, my shirt not even buttoned (I had a tank underneath: no one's eyeballes were seared in the making of this tragicomic moment). I made it through the doors in time for the choir to sing the first note and looked to the back pew, sure that James was sitting with Grant. But...


The pew was empty. I stood in the doorway looking panicked until a friend on the far side of the chapel waved at me and then pointed up at the stand. I looked, and then looked a little harder, and there was Grant, gleefully winding himself around Kenny's legs, darting in and out and all around him. Kenny, I could tell, was distressed. Grant was in heaven. James was missing and I didn't have the first clue where he was.


I hesitated, unsure what to do. I could hand the baby off to someone and grab Grant, but that would make a huge scene. Maybe he would be fine . . .


Oh, nope.


Grant is becoming more and more distracting, cackling with mischievous glee and Kenny's about to lose it. He's reaching down and grabbing Grant, who yanks his arm away and dances out of reach. Kenny finally steps out of the choir long enough to seat Grant in an empty chair and then returns to sing. At this point, I catch Grant's eye and crook my finger. COME HERE.


Grant slides out of his chair and makes his way down a riser or two. Whew. We're going to be okay . . .


But that's when he makes a break for it and veers to the left, and then I see it: his ultimate destination, his own Holy Grail.


He's heading for the microphone.


It all happened so fast. I shove my baby at the lady sitting nearest where I'm standing although I have no idea who she is. I start for the podium where Grant is proceeding to drag the step over so he'll be tall enough to yell into it. The bishopric is staring on, befuddled. Grant does it! He's got the step pulled up and climbed on top! He's got the microphone pulled down! Kenny has just figured out where he went and there's no way either of us is making it in time! 


I am laughing so hard I'm crying and I can't stop, which is not helping Grant to take me seriously.


Luckily, one of the counselors, who is new to the bishopric but very seasoned as a father after four young boys, cuts the mike off before Grant's happy holler can carry past the first three rows.


At this point, Kenny reaches him, and I retreat to take the baby back from a really bewildered lady whose hair is now wrapped in a tiny but freakishly strong fist. Kenny, trying to minimize any further distractions, has made it off the stand and to the front pew and is sitting with Grant. Except Grant yells, "I GO SING WITH DADDY!"


The congregation's heads are swiveling from me at the back of the door to Kenny at the front. We're both on the verge of tears. Me, from more laughter, him . . . not so much. Kenny hops up with Grant and flees through the side exit. I slip out and race to the other side of the building to find and comfort my husband, but I'm pretty useless due to the laughter and all.


So that was Sunday. I blame James. If he wouldn't have had a stomachache, we would totally have made it through the thirty-second lapse in parental coverage unscathed...


James, of course, accepts no blame. He's only mad he missed the show.

23 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I would have totally judged. So it's a good thing I think it's hilarious.

The Lovely One said...

Oh my goodness! Yes, that would for sure happen to me!

Matthew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeNae said...

(Oops. I was signed in as "Matthew", which, heh heh, has a really interesting explanation that I'll share later. That's why the previous post is deleted.)

This is the best story I've heard in a long time. But you realize, right, that you only get one free pass on something like this? For the next 3 years at least, your kids have to be perfect angels, or people will remember this as the beginning of the end! At which point, you'll have no choice but to move again.

L.T. Elliot said...

Okay, now I'M dying of laughter! Oh man that was great! ;) I can just see that mad dash. Hee hee hee.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

That's fantastic, and I'm sure it made for one of the more memorable Sundays in your ward. I'm relieved for your sake that the tank top made this less of a drama than it could have been.

NIKOL said...

This story is completely awesome. My ward is so boring.

Alison Wonderland said...

if it makes you feel better, three of my four children have played the organ at some point in sacrament meeting. (It's not quite as bad but...)

Kimberly said...

Bwahahah! I totally would've cracked up too!

Melinda said...

A few weeks ago my husband was giving a talk in sacrament and my two year old would not stop calling for daddy, when the baby needed to eat, I took the two out and on the way back in my son started running toward the podium--and me hauling baby and in way too high of heels to run, ran up the aisle to catch him before he got to daddy! Luckily my husband was too absorbed in his talk to notice, but everyone else did. Even the bishop. I'm glad you could laugh about it, I was seeing red. :D

Becca said...

Once upon a time, my little brother stood up on the bench in Sacrament meeting - during the sacrament part - and shouted, "LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!" My mom wanted to die a little.

Amber said...

Oh, this is awesome. I feel for Kenny, I do, but I'm glad he lets us share in the shame and laughter. Becca's comment is also hilarious.

Charlotte said...

Wow. That has to be the best story ever. I hate the "I can't get there in time to stop this" feeling. At least you provided the entertainment for the entire congregation!

Susan said...

This makes me feel like a much better parent.

Karen Peterson said...

This makes my story about getting hit on in the middle of sacrament meeting while I was sitting on the stand with the choir sound totally boring.

How could you NOT laugh about this! Priceless!

Kathi Oram Peterson said...

I remember embarrassing moments very similar to that. Kids, what ya going to do but love 'em. :)

Terresa said...

A show indeed! Forget the Primary Program our ward kids put on the other week, we'd take your son any day! :)

PS: My nephews used to go up on stage, sneakily, and get their paws on the piano, they always made it up there, too, tinkling out tunes for the entire ward to hear. Needless to say, they are all in piano lessons now.

Lara said...

The fact that you can laugh at something like that WHILE it is actually happening just upped your status to goddess in my eyes.

I'm pretty good at laughing in hindsight...but it sometimes takes me a while.

Unless of course, I was just a mere observer in the congregation and then I would have thanked you profusely for making a boring sacrament meeting memorable! :)

Kazzy said...

Holy. Toddler. I got pretty uptight just reading this. Sorry.

Is Kenny able to laugh about it yet?

Christiane R. Woerner said...

This is such a great story! I'll be telling it to others for quite a while. Thanks for sharing!

When I was a teen, we had a similar experience with a man who liked to give long prayers. They were beautiful, well-worded, but just so l...o...n...g. One time, apparently, his young son (about Grant's age) felt the same and during the middle of the father's prayer, the son yelled "AMEN". The father quickly finished his prayer and we were all given a reprieve to chat a little longer in the halls.

charrette said...

That. Was. AWESOME!

Can you please move to my ward?!?

charrette said...

P.s. Grant is so adorable. We were all so smitten with him when you guys came to visit!

Dedee said...

To tell the truth, I probably would have been mortified, at least for the first little bit. Then I would have started laughing. My husband would have been livid.

But now, since it's your story, not mine? I'm laughing my head off. And I would have laughed my head off watching it happen too.

WV word--eptic. That escapade was eptic!