Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Aw, nuts.

I've figured it out. You know, how to fix the economy? Yep. It's true that I'm kind of a genius (ignore those who say savant), but I amazed even myself when this brilliant plan struck me in the baking aisle of the grocery store yesterday.

You know how we can do it? Turn the whole mess around? With pecans.

I mean, I bought a 4-cup bag for over $10 yesterday, so clearly it's a valuable commodity. Especially considering the pecans were on sale from their normal $13 price for the same bag. These nuts have a greater street value per ounce than any black market drug and you don't even have to live in a crack house to sell or use them.

But we should. Can you imagine how much their value would jump from their current more-precious-than-gold price point if we outlawed pecans? A whole black market would spring up around the buying and selling of these little gems. And we could dominate the international market just by having Angelina Jolie and Will Smith play characters who eat the contraband nuts casually, as a sign of their characters' great wealth and total disregard for the law. Ooh, or maybe have Paris Hilton carry some around in a pink Louis Vuitton bag. People would go crazy and seek pecans like never before. There would be a run on the world pecan market as people bought them in alleys, scurrying away with their little plastic bags of pecans.

And the beautiful thing is...the U.S. government would secretly be controlling the pecan black market and so they could take all the money from the DEA agents posing undercover as pecan dealers, the pecan/crack shacks that would now be a better bet than banks as cash clearing houses, and the street dealers that are really vice cops from local precincts. Since only our government would know about the pecan ban beforehand, we would spend a year or so buidling up our pecan groves in the hidden back country on the outskirts of the smallest hick towns and then we would totally dominate the supply of pecans worldwide.

The only part I haven't figured out yet is what to do when the Big 3 automakers come to Congress with a proposal to use pecans as an alternative fuel for vehicles and ask for several billion in funding to make that dream a reality and then they get the money and blow it all on paying shareholder dividends and then come back and ask for more.

But at least I figured out the cash flow side. I still gotta think about the Congress thing a little bit more.

All I know is that these damn pecans better give me magical properties at $10 a bag.

25 comments:

Kristina P. said...

See, I knew I should have voted for you for President! This is far much better than I had heard before.

And if there's a bailout, maybe you could just pay them in peanuts.

LisAway said...

Now THAT is what I call a well though out plan. A great one.

No pecans in Poland. At least I've never been able to find them, but I heard of a store in a far distant city in which they can be bought. I can almost bet they'll cost more than $10/4 cups. (they grow them only in Central and North America, I think)

Mmmm. Pecans

Kimberly said...

Once upon a time, the economy ran on tulip bulbs somewhere. Seriously.

Annette Lyon said...

You're a true genius. Nay, a savant.

Herb of Grace said...

Magical properties... Well, I'd settle for weight loss actually. If pecans in my brownies would make the brownies a weight-loss wonder, I'd cheerfully pay $100 a bag!!

Shellie said...

I just made the most awesome chocolate chip cookies that called for Pecans and its true I would pretty much pay their weight in gold because they are that good.

Shellie said...

another question is

do you say

PeaCan
or
PaCon

I say PaCon

Melanie J said...

Puh-con, for sure. My Southern roots run deep.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee. You are so brilliant. I wish I had thought of that. I guess if I baked more I wouldn't be such a dummy. :)

Josi said...

Sweet--I've got a pound in my fridge right now. When do we start?

Iguana Montana said...

My Idaho-an grandparents pronounced them as "peekins". No joke.

However they are pronounced, they are worth every penny. Yum.

myimaginaryblog said...

Most importantly, I want to know how you *pronounce* pecan? But I see that’s been asked and answered. Which syllable do you put the stress on?

Also, you were struck while in the baking aisle? That happens to me all the time. I think it’s from the cake mixes leaping off the shelves into people’s hands.

And I do have to say that, while I’ve never purchased illicit drugs, I would still have guessed that 4 cups worth of almost any effective illegal substance would cost more than $10. Or even $13.

Other than that, I think it’s a solid plan and one that would be hard to crack (get it?) Especially once you figure out what to do about Congress.

Eowyn said...

I needed a good write-in name for president. Why didn't I think of you! It would have solved so many issues for me.

Love Pecans!

CaJoh said...

This is brilliant… why didn't I think of that.

Of course you have to watch out for those (pardon the pun) bad nuts that have turned rancid— don't want to horde your pecans too long.

Nancy said...

You are so smart - We know somebody in St. George that has a pecan tree - but then you have to crack them, but then you could watch a Christmas movie. wahoo! Maybe I should do it tonight!

The Boob Nazi said...

I don't like pecans.... The whole this is ruined!

Mina said...

Perhaps if we throw the pecans out of the window, by the light of a full moon, a large magical pecan tree will grow with branches stretching into the heavens where dwells a giant with a goose which lays golden eggs. We'll abscond with the bird, fell the pecan tree and roll the eggs to Washington. That would also improve the state of the economy.

Mina said...

And we'll live happily ever after.

Alison Wonderland said...

So what were you making me with pecans in it?

Aubrey said...

Love this.

My grandma actually buys her pecans by the case, splits them up into Ziploc bags, and keeps them in the freezer. It always seemed a bit extreme to me, but it's all starting to make sense now.

Debbie said...

You are onto something here! I think your are brilliant.

Stephanie and Co. said...

Let me know how those magical properties work out for you.
I have already bought thousands of dollars of "Pecan Stock", because this idea is brilliant.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I agree with Kristina P. YOu have totally figured it out! A savant...LOL...nice one! :)

Oh and If you figure out that Herb and Grace is on to something...I would also pay $100! :)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

How'd you get so smart? I'm going to start pulling them out of the holiday treats I get and saving them for a rainy day.

Nicole said...

Very witty Mel! I love reading your stuff!