Thursday, March 19, 2009

Burning question answered. If it still burns, you should probably get it checked.

Okay, I'm answering the questions you asked in yesterday's post. Kristina P. and Shaka want to know how Kristina P. gets so many followers. She has, at last count, 1,432,769 followers. I reached that figure by letting Baby G pound on the ten key pad until I had a number in the millions. So basically, it's pretty scientific.

I had to do some real soul searching to decide if I wanted to reveal the truth to you about how Kristina does it. You'll understand my hesitation in a moment. But my friend's husband is an FBI agent and he said he would provide me with federal know, in case I need it. But telling the truth is the right thing to do.

If you read Kristina's blog, you know she has developed an elaborate cover story. She tells everyone that she's a social worker and makes up elaborate stories about her Christian Bale-loving male co-worker. BUT. The truth is, she doesn't go to a "social work" office. She goes here:

See the girl in front, head down, terrified to meet Kristina's eye, scribbling madly? She's scribbling comments. Kristina P. runs a blog commenting sweatshop. That's how she's able to get to so many blogs and make people want to go drop off comments in her blog's comment box. These poor sweatshop people spend their entire day drafting, revising and then posting comments on other people's blogs.

She's a fierce taskmaster. If they don't meet their comment quotas, then she has a whole other sweatshop lined up to handle it:

They're making Snuggies. You watch, in her next profile picture, she'll be wearing a yellow one. Anyone not meeting their blog quota is forced to wear a Snuggie in public, enduring the pointing and jeering of people who assume they have joined some overzealous airport pamphleting religion.

Now you know. Please help me!

Other questions:

Luisa asked: If you could have a dinner party with 10 guests from any country and/or time in history, whom would you invite, and why?

Well...if I'm not making an effort to find the right mix of guests for their sakes (which I do in real life), and I'm just inviting people I want to talk, my answers are totally unoriginal. I pick: Abraham Lincoln, Anne Shirley, Jesus Christ, my grandfather, George Washington, Mark Twain, Tina Fey, Barack Obama, J. Golden Kimball, and Ayn Rand. My choices are based mainy on the fact that I love a good conversation.

CaJoh said: You sound so active, so I am curious as to what constitutes an average day for you. It doesn't even have to be an actual day, it could even be a combination of several days during the week to make it more entertaining.

Just understand that after every one of these activities, you should just automatically interject, "Then I wipe Grant's nose." And after about every third thing, you could also add, "Then I get a snack from the kitchen." So a normal day looks like this: Up at 7:30, Kenny and I get the kids ready for school, I share a bowl of oatmeal with Grant, I go drop off James, I go to the gym for a half hour of weights and my crazy kickboxing class, go to a play group for Grant, then I come home and feed Grant a snack, put him down for a nap, write between 1000-1200 words in my manuscript, catch up on blogs, make a pita pizza for lunch, get Grant up and feed him lunch, I catch up on more blogs, I run between 3-5 errands, I pick up James from school, run another errand or two, harrass James until his homework is done, clean the livingroom, cook dinner, watch Cash Cab and wait for Kenny to get home. He works from home two days a week and on those days you can add that I volunteer in James's classroom and spend hours more than I want to doing my grocery shopping.

Weekends, you can throw in go on dates with my husband (parties, movies, chorale performances, etc.), hit a writing conference every so often, and do family stuff like take bike rides to the park or along the beach. Then I wipe Grant's nose. And have a snack. But one has nothing to do with the other.

And I think I'll end with the next one for the day. I'll answer more tomorrow and some (like Josi's) will get their own whole post. I know, super exciting.

Annette wanted to know: What is something you used to wear that you now cringe at?
(Accompanying pictures welcome.)

Uh, my sky high bangs come to mind, and I have tie dye shirt I about wore to death. Luckily, most of my photos before 2007 are locked up in storage and not digitized, but this one is circulating freely on Facebook, courtesy of my friend Jean.

You guys, this picture is Annette's fault. She asked.


LisAway said...

WOW! Those workers draft, revise and post comments at lightning speed, considering Kristina posts comments within seconds of a post showing up in Google Reader. She's really a genius with that scheme.

You do about 3,000 times as many things as I do in a day (although I may snack twice as much as you).

And I LOVE the picture. Those bangs are pretty tame in that picture. :)

Debbie said...

Oh honey. That photo is the best thing I've seen in such a long time! God bless you for that.
And I've had my suspicions about Kristina for so long. You've confirmed it.

Luisa Perkins said...

Love the photo. Love.

(What? I get no link?)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I think it was right of you to tell the truth about Kristina.

And you actually have "valley girl" mouth in that picture. I can totally hear you saying "It was like, totally, gagging me with a spoon."

Kristina P. said...

Clearly I need to fire a few of my really well paid sweatshop workers, as I am comment #5 on your post. What, is 25 cents a day not good enough for them?!?!?

And I KNEW the FBI had a file on me. Me and John Gotti.

You rock, Melanie.

Becky said...

I really, really hope Kristina doesn't hire a hit man to come after you!! She's bold like that.

Excellent picture.

Emily said...

Seriously, I'm exhausted just reading about your typical day!

Thanks for exposing Kristina's secret. I knew something questionable was going on over at her blog. She is a sweat shop comment task master!

Kazzy said...

Commenters sweatshop. Hmmmm. I wonder what it costs her.

Eowyn said...

That picture couldn't be more funny. I've a few of those myself, with pretty much that color of sweater and that high of bangs.

Oh, and the nose-wiping and snacking--priceless!

Anonymous said...

Don't you *love* Facebook for bringing horrible old photos to light for everyone to see? Me, too.

(I found a whole lot of awful photos of me on our hard drive yesterday and I was actually, for some sick reason I can't reawlly explain, contemplating putting them all in a post on my blog. I think you've talked me out of it.)

Thanks for the explanation about Kristina -- I should have known it had something to do with Snuggies. Since they are the source of all evil.

Anonymous said...

I meant to say can't really explain, but can't reawlly explain has a certain flair, too.

Stephanie and Co. said...

I missed the ask a question, but I'm happy to read answers to the same questions I would have asked.
I love the outline of your day. "Insert wipe Grant's nose and get a snack" classic!
I am pretty sure you've hit Kristina's scheme on the head. I knew it!

DeNae said...

We haven't been bloggy pals for long, and before we met you may have written something so funny people really DID "laugh their guts out" or "die laughing" or any of the other hyperbolic metaphors we use for "Damn, that was funny!"

But you have never been funnier, to me, than you were on this post. Miz Melanie J, you are the real deal.

Now go wipe Grant's nose, then come back to finish reading my documentary, er, I mean - comment.

I finally confronted Kristina about her seeming to be a Blog Comment Savant. My belief is that she is really the leader of a clone army of post commenters, and that if we aren't careful someday she may unleash them on the real world. They'll go up to live people and comment on their hair and stuff. I'm already very afraid.

I'm pretty sure Lego is already designing a set called "Kristina's Clone Wars: This Time, Not Even Your Snuggie Will Save You."

Heather of the EO said...

Oh, that was TOO funny. Love the whole thing. Kristina's secret is out. whew.

And the picture? bwaahaahaaa!

Julie Wright said...

OKay that was simply hilarious. Kristina's secret is truly disturbing. I'd offer to protect you but I bet she has hired guns at her disposal. SO what I'm saying is . . . RUN!!!! Run for your life!

And I love the pic

wendy said...

Everything makes so much sense now ---a sweat shop blog underground establishment. Your dinner guests are quite an ecliptic group. Interesting for sure. Fun things to know.

Annette Lyon said...

Now THAT is pure beauty. Hahaha!

Glad I asked (too bad I was away from the computer all day and didn't see it yesterday).

Kimberly said...

I always wanted bangs like that, but my mum wouldn't let me buy hairspray.

Practically child abuse, yes?

charrette said...

Kristina P's blog commenting sweat shop is both fantastic and brilliant! You should get some kind of an exposé award for that! (Plus an award for the rest of us because we can't possibly keep up!)

And I SO want to come to that dinner party!

charrette said...

Sorry, that was supposed to be an award for PLACATING the rest of us...