Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Surgical weight loss (which title leads thousands of Google searchers to disappointing results)

Only two of you stood up and took your lumps yesterday (my husband and Crash Test Dummy who is well known for banging her repeatedly against the same brick wall. Hello, check out her blogger ID. Just sayin'.) That makes the rest of you either very smart or big ole chickens. You may choose what you'd like to be.

In other news, I can't stop eating c**p. I'd spell it out for you but my faux MIL told me not to say that word anymore so I can't. I was riding the Eating Right Express until Family Night hit and stress knocked me off the wagon. Then I started stress eating. And all the time I had to put into planning interfered with my regularly scheduled workouts so my butt and tummy decide to just take it easy and spread out a little since they weren't being beaten into submission.

Which, you know...kinda sucks.

So I resorted to drastic measures. First, I went back to Weight Watchers on Friday even though it means losing my "Lifetime" status. I got to be "Lifetime" for about a week before the pound pendulum swung the wrong way so it's possible I haven't really internalized all those concepts I was supposed to learn yet. Like "don't keeping putting c**p in your mouth, you moron." Or, "If you do, make it SMALL portions."

Secondly, I went back to the gym. And you know, did more than loiter and make people in the locker room uncomfortable. I pushed some weights around and showed the elliptical trainer who's boss. And then, just as a sure fire way to make sure I kick this ten pound losing spree off the right way, I added a fool proof element to the mix.

Surgery.

You've seen all those commercials for the lap band and gastric bypass and liposuction?

Well, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Friday. That's WAY more hard core because it's IRREVERSIBLE, not like those lap band pansies. Once those teeth are out, they're GONE and they ain't coming back. I figure the enforced soup diet for the first few days ought to knock out at least the first five pounds for me. And it will only cost a mere $1200 out of pocket. Which seems like the expensive way to get hold of some Darvocet, but whatever.

So I'd refuse to blog but previous interaction with prescription painkillers has taught me that NOTHING can shut me up when I'm under the influence, so I expect I'll come wander through some of your blogs this weekend and babble. How fun for all of us.

20 comments:

Josi said...

You'll be glad to know that my dentist once pronounced me with such a big mouth, if I had wisdom teeth, they'd probably fit :-) But I only had one wisdom tooth, and then it got a cavity and had to be pulled anyway. Good luck with the meds.

Debbie said...

I do love a medication induced comment! I hope the surgery goes well. I have to call and schedule that for my daughter.

Luisa Perkins said...

Chica, a C-section is a wayyyyy more expensive way to get you some Darvocet. Plus, you're guaranteed to lose a minimum of 10 pounds right off the bat, once they take that baby out.

Come ON. Do this RIGHT.

Seriously: good luck with the surge.

Erin said...

I went on a date the night I got my wisdom teeth out. In the past, he had been a bit too "forward" for my taste. The good news was, he didn't try to kiss me or anything because I looked like a chipmunk.

Maybe you should videotape yourself and put it on your blog, just for our benefit.

Kristina P. said...

I posted about getting my wisdom teeth out, about 9 months ago. Guess who still hasn't done it, and who hates the dentist? That's right, this guy.

Good luck!

Fiauna said...

Hey, if the tooth extraction doesn't work, you could try to catch Swine flu. I hear that'll bring on some serious weight loss--if you survive, that is.

Annette Lyon said...

I knew a lady who got a hysterectomy and was glad because it meant she'd automatically lose a couple of pounds. Okay . . .

Becca said...

I had my wisdom (teeth) removed in college, and (true story) my family all went away to see The Nutcracker Ballet, leaving me and my step-sister home alone to moan - me over my teeth, her over her far-away boyfriend. I asked her to make me some Jell-o. She asked me for directions.

Now, lo these many years later, she loves it when I come to vacation at her house and cook for her family. They all think I'm a genius, maybe because I can boil water.

DeNae said...

I'm looking forward to the drug-hazed comments, I really am. And if you read my blog today, you saw that I'm more than happy to help you get back into the swing of things at the gym. Not that I'm any good at it; usually people refer to me as their "before". But that doesn't stop me from helping them anyway.

Emily said...

getting your wisdom teeth out will make you embrace a mandatory liquid diet. However, I loved to drink Ensure when I got mine out. Every 8 oz drink is like 400 calories!

Good luck. :)

Kimberly said...

Good luck!

And I ate an entire package of Tim Tams yesterday, so yeah. I totally win on the eating c**p thing. Yay me.

Amber Lynae said...

I will go for being one smart chicken.

So if they take out your wisdom teeth.... will you have any wisdom left?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh how fun. Let the babbling begin. Too bad you have to pay so much for it though.

And i hear you about the stress induced c**p eating.

LisAway said...

May you still be able to lift your hands after you have them pulled. I've had two out at separate times, but with one of them I was literally flat on my back for like 4 days. It was a doozie, though.

Thanks for the WW advice (the stuff in quotation marks). I'd forgotten those tricks.

LexiconLuvr said...

I slept for two days straight after my wisdom teeth surgery. It was a nice little vacation while the hubby watched the doodlebops. =]

charrette said...

Stress ALWAYS pushes me off the wagon! (And unfortunately I am nearly always stressed!)

I could hardly even walk after I got my wisdom teeth out (let alone talk). Seriously, I remember sort of tripping up the stairs...and my dad laughing. I'd love a drug-induced comment from you!

Hope all goes well...

Kazzy said...

Lap band pansies? You kill me!

Eowyn said...

Oooh, I can't wait to see the babble! I'd never blog on high powered pain-killer. I couldn't be held responsible.

(Luisa's comment just cracked me up.)

(Oh wait. . .They all did)

Stress induced eating. Is that what's wrong with me?

Heidi Ashworth said...

You can babble at my place anytime.

Aubrey said...

I have to go to WW and weigh in on Saturday, and I'm afraid I will have lost my Lifetime status as well. I managed to keep mine for a whole month. Why is it that I can lose weight, and I can gain weight, but I can't maintain? I'm like the little girl in the poem-- when she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Good luck with the wisdom teeth. The only thing I remember about the two days following was waking up for very brief intervals to take more pain meds.