An actual snapshot of my mind.

Death isn't on my mind very often. It isn't. It's so unusual, in fact, that I had to stop and consider why I was driving to drop off dinner at a friend's and thinking about the best way to die. When I followed the thought thread back, this is what I found. (It would be really hard to call this a train of thought because that's far too. . .linear. I think in bubble clusters. At best.)

This NPR story is really interesting. I wonder if Brother Blakesley would ever be on one of their shows as a legal expert. I know he's been on a few TV shows. I really like his Facebook status updates. Maybe if we ever drive through Vegas we could stop and visit him. Although I haven't seen him since I was fourteen. It would probably kind of weird. And even if I did make that phone call, there would be that awkward moment when we're in his living room catching up and he asks how my parents are. What do I say? "Uh, they're dead"? And then he'd want to know how and there's no fast way to explain how my dad died. Although he'll probably think it's cancer. But that's what my mom died from. And I don't feel bad for having to say it but I feel bad for other people having to hear it. And then there will be the follow up questions and I'll have to explain that it wasn't such a bad experience. I mean, what if they died all of a sudden and I didn't get to say what I wanted? Everybody got to say what they wanted before Mom and Dad died. But is it selfish to be glad they lingered? I mean, wouldn't I want to go fast?

Hm...how do I want to die?

I'm a lot better about these random brain field trips now. In high school, I'd often drop a statement like "I like blue popsicles" into a conversation about football and get blank looks. It made perfect sense in my head. I mean, they're talking about our JV team and who's going to make the varsity team, so it looked like this inside my brain:

I wonder if we have anyone at our school good enough to go past that to college or even the pros. How weird would it be if I saw a classmate play in the Super Bowl? I love Super Bowl commercials. But the funny ones, not the serious ones. They always have Gatorade commercials during the Super Bowl, I think. Those are always serious. I like blue Gatorade the best. Man, it's hot right now. I wish I had some blue Gatorade. Oooh, even better, a blue popsicle. "I like blue popsicles."

And then the blank stares.

When my friends discovered that no matter what the statement, I could always trace the convoluted logic that got me there, it became their little past time to get me to walk back through the bubble cluster.

"Books smell funny."

"Okay, Mel. How'd you get there?"

And it always surprised me that it wasn't totally obvious.

Me with an impatient sigh, "You were talking about pandas." Duh.