Wednesday, August 12, 2009

What to expect when I'm expecting.

Am I punching Fate in the nose and blowing it raspberries if I start by saying that everything with this pregnancy is going okay right now? I never like to believe that I'm superstitious, but even as I say, "Everything's good," I am knocking on wood, throwing salt over my shoulder, and rubbing my lucky Elmo foot.

At the very least, if Fate doesn't come after me, all you ladies with rough pregnancies probably will in my comment box, but let's not. Let's have love and happiness for me that I lucked out in the pregnancy sweepstakes, okay? I think it's compensation for the terrible burden of disproportionately wide hips.

Now, having said that, yesterday, I was mildly queasy, but I'm pretty sure that's due to too much Chipotle for lunch. And a couple of times I thought I was carsick with #2 and it might have been morning sickness. But I never threw up or lost my appetite.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have perfect pregnancies. I had terrible insomnia in the first and third trimesters last time (I once slept ten hours in 5 days, naps included) and I've had a couple of nights like that already. However, I'm skipping naps altogether this time (which is horrible, horrible agony because I'm TIRED) and it helps with sleeping.

I'm also due for some obnoxious, chronic back pain starting in a couple of months and continuing through delivery, but I'm going to see a chiropractor this time. Genius, right? And during the middle of my pregnancies, I lose my appetite all together. The first time, I survived on calcium fortified orange juice and beef jerky. Last time, I ate a lot of chips and guacamole and chocolotate covered Hostess donuts. I'll compare the boys' fifth grade report cards in nine more years and let you know which diet has a better long-term impact.

On the plus side (please don't hate me), I tend to skip the last month of pregnancy and deliver healthy babies. I was two weeks early with #1 and five weeks early with #2, and came home on time with both of them. I definitely recommend this course of action if your body and babies will cooperate. My friend's mom The Doula says I just have a shorter cooking time. I give it a big thumbs up.

Except...well, you sort of pay a penalty in labor and delivery. See, my water breaks, but I don't go into labor. Cue the pitocin and over 24 hours of labor. And the babies are usually in some mild distress while I'm laboring so I get to stay on one side, lying down, no walking around (even to the potty) and that position is VERY uncomfortable after a couple of hours. For that reason more than any other, I end up with an epidural. The pain in my hips otherwise is mind-blowing. I am not mean during this time, exactly. I just choose not to speak to anyone except for my sister, who is forced to read Trivial Pursuit cards out loud to me and NO ONE else is allowed to answer except for me. Those are the rules if you want to come and visit.

Still, all in all, I can't complain. I mean, I do. Loudly. Often. Pitifully. But I probably shouldn't.

Here's something else for us all to look forward to: my babies draw their nutrition exclusively from my IQ so look for disjointed, rambling comments coming to your boxes soon. And I lose all memory function. Oh, and self-discipline. If I see it, I eat it. Hence the weight discussion I'm sure my doctor will have with me at my next appointment.

By far, the most alarming symptom I begin to exhibit (beside irrational bouts of crying, which is another post) is my deluded fashion sense. Take this picture for instance:
This is me at 35 weeks last time (my water broke about two hours after this picture was taken, right in the middle of an Argentine tango show). That is clearly NOT a maternity dress but I was convinced I could MAKE IT WORK. I hereby solemnly promise that I will go through my maternity clothes and throw out everything that I bought to wear while pregnant that's not actually made for pregnant women and donate it to charity so as not to inflict this kind of thing on anyone again. Then I will blow this picture up and stick it on my closet in case I'm tempted to shangai regular clothes into maternity service. The fashion police can rest easy now.

Nonetheless, I'm happy and trying very hard not to worry that feeling good means something is wrong with this baby, or about all the things that could go wrong, or any of the other million instrusive and scary thoughts that cross my mind. I'm just trying to enjoy this and not admit too often to the no morning sickness thing so people don't get mad at me.

Anyhow, thank you for all the well-wishes over the weekend. I'm happy and hopeful that all will be well, and calming all of my worries with chocolate. I'm SURE I read it has a soothing effect and that I should eat some as regularly as I take my prenatal vitamins and maybe even more often. Also, eating chocolate will make your baby smarter. I know I read that, too. I guess hosting a foreign body in my womb has its perks.

I'm off to have some See's for breakfast.

30 comments:

Becca said...

Yeah for no sickness.

(Once upon a time, I wrote a synopsis for a book called "I didn't throw up today" - and I was six months into a pregnancy on that blessed day.)

I refuse to be angry at women who don't get sick. I have no such rules about women who don't look pregnant from behind. Them? I could push down. Except for the being pregnant part. I *always* resist that urge.

Alisa said...

Chocolate does make babies smarter. Eat as much as you like, that's my motto.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Congratulations! That's wonderful!

I survived on 8 Jack in the Box tacos a day during my first pregnancy. She's headed into 7th grade now, and so far, so good. :) The grades are holding up.

Annette Lyon said...

I don't even know what to say--I'm just laughing and laughing and laughing at the whole post.

Kristina P. said...

You look beautiful! And apparently, since I posted about having a stomach bug, which really is a digestive issue, I must be pregnant a million times.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

This is a great post! My 2nd son has peanut allergy and I'm convinced I must have eaten one too many Reece's while he was cooking. Oh well. And that whole IQ sucking thing is REAL; it's actually been documented. At my house we call it DIPS "Dumbness Induced by Pregnancy Syndrome." And that picture is fantastic; especially how you're so proud and confident, no apparent wardrobe shame. Love it.

wonder woman said...

I don't get horribly sick, either. (KNOCKING RIGHT NOW.) I haven't even thrown up yet, but I didn't with #1 till 13 weeks. Like you, I'm hoping this doesn't indicate a problem, just a body that does okay with pregnancy.

But I'm getting a little scared, because when my mom was here 2 months ago, I bought regular clothes that could *specifically* work as maternity clothes for the first few months. (Knits with empire waists.) Now I'm worried that it wasn't a good idea.....

MommyJ said...

I do get sick... barf at least once a day, sometimes more. With the twins, it was four times a day, which was just all kinds of awesome. I'm with Becca though... it's the I barely look pregnant except for this little cantaloupe under my shirt women that really bug me. Because I turn into a house.

So, um, your shoes are really cute in that picture. And I like your earrings. :) It isn't all bad. :) I've been known to do that too... the whole, "this isn't maternity, but it totally works anyway" idea. Why do we do that?!

InkMom said...

I am go-oo-od at gestating. It was getting anything in the oven in the first place that caused problems. So yay for people who have healthy pregnancies. It gives the doctors a little more time to think about the ones that don't.

And MommyJ better watch out because I am totally stealing your idea about Trivial Pursuit cards. Genius.

Josi said...

Glad things are going well--or as well as can be expected when you're growing a baby all by yourself :-) Enjoy the chocolate covered donuts while you can, and eat a few fore me :-)

Emily said...

HOLY CRAP! I'm MIA for a few days (sans internet of course) and BAM! You announce you're pregnant! I had to scroll down to read when you posted it!

CONGRATULATIONS!

L.T. Elliot said...

I'm very happy for you that all is going well. And I may be fashion deficient but I thought you looked beautiful in that picture.
The insomnia thing sucks. I hope it's not as bad for you this go 'round. Take care!

Erin said...

I laughed my head off (well, nearly) at the Trivial Pursuit thing. That sounds like something I would do!

I LOVE this post.

Kimberly said...

If looks could kill I'd be dead several dozen times over for having the audacity to never be sick enough to throw up during any of my pregnancies. I totally feel your people-hate-me-and-it's-TOTALLY-not-my-fault pain.

And I have to agree with L.T. I didn't think the dress was all that hideous and you look pretty spiffy to me. But then, I have the fashion sense of a rock. And not one of those cool shiny/shimmery rocks either.

Debbie said...

Thank you for that outfit photo. Cheered it right up.

Tracy said...

Congratulations! It's great that you don't get super sick. That's no fun for anyone. That tiredness is a killer though, isn't it? Especially frustrating when you want to sleep but can't. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy (and your future pregnancy fashion choices - although I thought you looked pretty cute, and I say if it's comfy, and you like it, and it doesn't make anyone's eyes bleed, wear it - tough standards to live by, I know).

Andrew & Sarah Clawson said...

LOL!!!! Love your post! Yay for SEE's to save the day! Hang in there!

charrette said...

You are so lucky! I will not harangue you with my own horror stories. I'll just high-five you, and thell you that this? "my babies draw their nutrition exclusively from my IQ" made me laugh!

Great post! Hang in there!

charrette said...

Um, sorry. Apparently I think "thell" spells "tell."

xo

Eowyn said...

I remember saying something about being blessed with an easy pregnancy on my first to a lady and she ripped into me about why I should be blessed when she had horrible pregnancies and that I should never say that and on and on.

Enjoy a stress free pregnancy. When things go right, it's a nice thing.

Eowyn said...

Oh, and I lived off of smoothies during my first pregnancy.

Alison Wonderland said...

Love it, all of it!

Oh and I don't get sick either. But I've got the hips. (I think you may be on to something there.)

Anna said...

I also got pretty lucky in the pregnancy thing. My first two were easy pregnancies. The worst part was that I was one week overdo with my first. Apparently I am the kind that likes to overcook the baby. I didn't have any labor pains (natural, not the drug induced) until my 3rd baby.

I did have heartburn pretty bad with baby number 3. But I tried hard not to complain to others, because my SIL gets morning sickness the whole pregnancy.

Kazzy said...

Hey, don't believe those myths about needing to be sick in order for the baby to be okay. I delivered four healthy babies and was never sick a day of any of those pregnancies.

DeNae said...

Personally, I dig the dress. I think any clothing you can turn into a shower curtain when it's outlived its fashion usefulness is A-OK by me.

And I'm not going to tell any pregnancy stories. After my 40th birthday I declared my independence from such matters. If I feel inspired , I'll go into a hypnotic trance to dredge up any pertinent anecdotes as your gestation continues, but I won't inflict them on you willy-nilly.

But I think you make a really cute pregnant lady.

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annie valentine said...

Can we please meet in person some day? Just don't wear horizontal stripes, and we'll hit it off like long lost bumble bees.

Terresa said...

I eat See's for breakfast on a regular basis, the big fat chocolate chips tossed into waffles. And I'm not even pregnant. I don't think.

PS: Love that pregnancy dress/outfit. You pull it off nicely. I got up to 200 lbs with my last 2 pregnancies and in the end could only fit mumus from Goodwill. ahh, the memories.

myimaginaryblog said...

Okay but see, I love that photo.

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