Monday, August 10, 2009

An actual conversation with my husband.

I called my husband Friday afternoon after lunch.

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I can't go in the bathroom because I'm afraid of ghosts."

This announcement is met by silence followed by a cautious, "Oh."

"It's just that I got the baby up from his nap and put him on our bed to play while I changed clothes. And the TV was on this show called Haunted and it was super scary. It's about REAL ghosts."

"But ghosts aren't real."

"No! These ghosts ARE real. They had experts!"

"Those are actors, honey."

"No, this one guy used to work for NASA."

"Hm. Well, in that case, they were probably real ghosts."

"I know! And I have to pee."

This is met by silence. Then, "I don't follow," he says.

"I can't go in the bathroom. That's where the ghosts are."

"Ghosts live in our bathroom? Why are they in the bathroom?"

"Because the doors are always shut and it's always dark in there." Duh. "And I really need to go."

"Just go to the downstairs bathroom."

"I am downstairs. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get down here? When I was watching the show, the wind kept blowing the blinds and I couldn't get off the bed to shut them."

"In case that's where the ghosts are getting in at 2 in the afternoon?"

"ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?"

"No!" I can totally hear him laughing.

"How am I supposed to go to the bathroom? The creepy pilot ghost might be in there. They said his shadow feels like PURE DREAD."

He sighs. "I don't know, honey. I've never tried to get rid of a ghost before. You're just going to have to hold it until you explode."

"I'm pregnant! I don't have those muscles anymore. I'm totally going to pee in the container garden on the patio."

"Um, the neighbors will see you."

I pause. "Good point." I think for a minute. "What about garlic? Does garlic work on ghosts?"

"Yes, yes!" He sounds relieved that he can offer this solution. "Garlic works on ghosts. Why don't you get the jar of garlic out of the fridge?"

"What should I do with it? Wave it around the bathroom?"

"Yes," he says, distracted. I sense that for some reason this isn't commanding his undivided attention.

"What if I shove some garlic under the door first and then let it sit for a while?"

"I think that will work. The ghost will definitely go away."

"Okay. I'll call you later."

"Or you could just shove the baby in there," he adds. "If he's okay after five minutes, there's probably not a ghost."

"I think I'm going to stick with the garlic."

I call back ten minutes later .

"Hello?" he says.

"I peed!"

"Congratulations."

"I love you."

"Love you, too. Bye."

Being pregnant doesn't make me crazy at all.

Just FYI, I wrote this before I saw Jillybean's actual conversation with her kids at Walmart. Just so you know.

19 comments:

Shellie said...

I feel for him! One time I was watching that show and it showed a guy who had been SCRATCHED on his back by a ghost. and i don't why but my back started itching like crazy soon after.

Debbie said...

You little vixen. I missed yesterday's post since I have been computerless and just found out about the pregnancy. Congrats! And I hope the ghosts leave you alone.

MommyJ said...

Oh dear. You are funny. Those ghost shows totally freak me out. Can't watch them even a little bit.

L.T. Elliot said...

That show freaks me out too. There was an especially creepy one about people who moved into a remodeled morgue and tried to attack their teenage son. I couldn't go in my basement for days.

Kazzy said...

LOL Hey, once you get a possibly scary thing in your mind it's hard to unthink it.I don't blame ya at all. Congrats on the accomplishment!

Kristina P. said...

If you replaced the word "Ghost" with "snake", we had the same conversation.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

My husband watches those shows too and tries to convince me for HOURS how true it is. "But, the ghost threw a BRICK, and they caught it on video." I may be closed-minded, but I can pee in peace. But, I do have an irrational fear of raccoons when we camp. I just know they could take apart our pop-up camper and get inside.

Kimberly said...

Thanks so much for allowing me this little I-really-don't-miss-cable-tv-anymore moment. You're a hoot.

Annette Lyon said...

I just HEARD about an episode of one of those and freaked. No thank you.

Alisa said...

I stay as far away from those shows as possible. After watching The Sixth Sense I honest to goodness thought dead people were walking down my hallway while I tried to sleep at night.

Chaka said...

You are not alone. My inlaws saw a ghost movie a couple years ago and the entire family slept on the family room floor because they were too scared to sleep alone in their rooms.

charrette said...

Hahahaha!

Actually I am the world's biggest fraidy-cat. I would not even be tempted by a show like that.

But I'm so glad Kenny was there for you. Yeah, Kenny and the garlic.

Erin said...

I'm glad the ghosts stayed away for a little while so you could pee.

When I was pregnant with Aidan, I read a Patricia Cornwell novel. I had nightmares about dead bodies for the remainder of the pregnancy...maybe you shouldn't watch any more ghost shows!

Amber Lynae said...

I get creeped out when I watch any of those type of shows. Your thoughts sounded completely logical to my paranoid brain.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I wonder if you are related to Mrs. Bird. She pees in a Training Table Cup. She might be a long lost relative.

Very funny.

Alison Wonderland said...

He he, I'm on your blog list. He he he he!

Oh and yeah, ghosts. Scary and stuff.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

First, I love your background. That is the background I would LOVE to have. Second...um...Hubby and I have had a similar conversation after I watched Haunted and Ghost Stories.

I have been told I may never watch those shows. Ever again.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

hahahahahahahaha! My husband would totally sympathize with your husband. After watching scary movies (which I don't do often) I make him get up with me and go to the bathroom! :)

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