An actual conversation with my husband.

I called my husband Friday afternoon after lunch.

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I can't go in the bathroom because I'm afraid of ghosts."

This announcement is met by silence followed by a cautious, "Oh."

"It's just that I got the baby up from his nap and put him on our bed to play while I changed clothes. And the TV was on this show called Haunted and it was super scary. It's about REAL ghosts."

"But ghosts aren't real."

"No! These ghosts ARE real. They had experts!"

"Those are actors, honey."

"No, this one guy used to work for NASA."

"Hm. Well, in that case, they were probably real ghosts."

"I know! And I have to pee."

This is met by silence. Then, "I don't follow," he says.

"I can't go in the bathroom. That's where the ghosts are."

"Ghosts live in our bathroom? Why are they in the bathroom?"

"Because the doors are always shut and it's always dark in there." Duh. "And I really need to go."

"Just go to the downstairs bathroom."

"I am downstairs. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get down here? When I was watching the show, the wind kept blowing the blinds and I couldn't get off the bed to shut them."

"In case that's where the ghosts are getting in at 2 in the afternoon?"

"ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?"

"No!" I can totally hear him laughing.

"How am I supposed to go to the bathroom? The creepy pilot ghost might be in there. They said his shadow feels like PURE DREAD."

He sighs. "I don't know, honey. I've never tried to get rid of a ghost before. You're just going to have to hold it until you explode."

"I'm pregnant! I don't have those muscles anymore. I'm totally going to pee in the container garden on the patio."

"Um, the neighbors will see you."

I pause. "Good point." I think for a minute. "What about garlic? Does garlic work on ghosts?"

"Yes, yes!" He sounds relieved that he can offer this solution. "Garlic works on ghosts. Why don't you get the jar of garlic out of the fridge?"

"What should I do with it? Wave it around the bathroom?"

"Yes," he says, distracted. I sense that for some reason this isn't commanding his undivided attention.

"What if I shove some garlic under the door first and then let it sit for a while?"

"I think that will work. The ghost will definitely go away."

"Okay. I'll call you later."

"Or you could just shove the baby in there," he adds. "If he's okay after five minutes, there's probably not a ghost."

"I think I'm going to stick with the garlic."

I call back ten minutes later .

"Hello?" he says.

"I peed!"

"Congratulations."

"I love you."

"Love you, too. Bye."

Being pregnant doesn't make me crazy at all.

Just FYI, I wrote this before I saw Jillybean's actual conversation with her kids at Walmart. Just so you know.