Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Have you ever had a realization that suddenly causes a small part of your personal universe to snap into sharper focus?

I've had a couple of random ones this week. Like this, for example: I learned something important about my butt.

Yeah, you read that right. My butt.

It is large and flanked by generous hips. Disproportionately generous, I would say. And as pregnancy (and my dependence on ice cream) causes my butt to grow, instead of freaking out, I came to a deep truth. I am pretty. I know that. Maybe even very pretty. But I make everyone else feel better about themselves because they can always say, "Well, at least I don't have a big butt like that." And I'm totally okay with serving that purpose.

Here's another epiphany. Part of the reason I don't have a clean house (very often) is because I function better with a deadline. And not the self-imposed kind, either. I need REAL deadlines. The equivalent for me when it comes to cleaning my house is knowing that company is coming. Then it forces me to have everything scrubbed and tidy by then.

The thing is, our place is smallish and so we don't often invite company over. So...no deadlines. I thought of a solution, though. I'm going to invite people over every week. But the thing is, it can't just be week night company because then only the downstairs gets cleaned. I need the overnight variety so that I get to the bathrooms and carpets upstairs, too. Oh, and launder the bedding. And straighten our room in case the door is open when an overnight guest passes by.

Now, it might not come off right if I invite some of our local friends to stay over for the weekend.

In fact, I'm sure that would come off really, really NOT right.

Okay, so I'm inviting anyone that lives more than four hours away. I'm going to start a schedule and I expect every single one of you to sign up to visit me for a weekend starting Friday so that I'll clean my house once a week.

I can offer you either a top or bottom bunk, monkey and lion towels, the beach four blocks away, unlimited use of our beach cruisers, advice on the best nearby burger and barbecue joints, and you'll be invited to join our regular DVD viewing marathons of whatever TV show we've just discovered (right now it's Burn Notice). Oh, and I'll throw in some ice cream.

See? Total clarity. Thank you, Universe.

22 comments:

Luisa Perkins said...

Oh, I so covet a plane ticket out your way. I'd like to reserve the monkey towels and the bottom bunk, please.

Is Torchwood on your DVD TV series list?

Kristina P. said...

Maybe you can fly to my house and clean it and then just stay here.

MommyJ said...

Heh. When I was in highschool, my cross country team called me "tank." Because of the overgenerous size of my rumpus. I've written about it before... about the difficulty of fitting blue jeans on a big bum, when your waist is still small. Oh, so very annoying. Not that it's an issue when I'm all pregnant and stuff. But still. This post made me smile.

OH. And I'm all about deadlines too. Overnight company definitely inspires a clean house. And then people walk through and say, "wow...everything looks so clean! I hope you didn't make all this effort just for me!" Then I smile and say, "Of course not. My house is ALWAYS this clean."

I then I get struck by lightening. :)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

If I had some of free-fare transporter, I'd be right over.

I'm not as gracious to the universe about the size of my butt. I dont' care if it makes other people feel better.

Lara said...

That is an ingenious idea.

I used to never clean my house unless it was voice lesson day and students would come. But, since they never saw bedrooms, they never got cleaned. You are just too smart.

Becca said...

I often wonder about those people who can be regulated by self-imposed deadlines. They seem to have a gene I lack. But I think they're cool, don't misunderstand me. I just wonder if they breathe in and out all day long the way I do.

abangxxx said...

abangxxx says
Never mind the X's. I'm not dropping in soon since Malaysia[my place] is so far away.
Originality is what I prefer. No superficiality like MJ. Remember! In the end he looked terrible.

Kimberly said...

Can I book for the second weekend in October 2013? Might be able to afford airfare by then. =P

You're hilarious. I actually hosted a summer playgroup once a week this summer just so I'd have the house looking nice and the main bathroom clean once a week. Worked fabulously.

Eowyn said...

Oh, don't I wish. . .But I think you'd be hard squeezed with me, Faramir and all my kids. . .

I'm totally with you on that it gets company to get me to clean up. I used to do that when I lived in Oregon. Kim can attest to that.

Emily said...

Wow. Thanks for the invite! :)

Migillicutty said...

I would come right now if I could. Anything to get away from all this schoolwork. ;)

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

oh, totally hilarious.

I have another theory on the not-cleaning: it's because you're a writer. so far, I haven't met one that is also a cleaner. (I know there's someone out there reading this who is waiting to tell me they exist.)

And when's my weekend? Where do you live, anyway? That kind of has an affect on whether I make it there.

wonder woman said...

I need deadlines, too. I realized long ago that only having company ensures a clean house, and I've used that to my advantage just like you've decided to.

About the deadlines -- I had to write a NP article for our local paper about a theater project I'm involved with. I knew the deadline was Monday, so I started monday. And made myself CRAZY all day. I got it done, but just under the wire. I told my director that she is free to fudge on the deadlines and make-up ones for me a week before the real deadline.

L.T. Elliot said...

Wow. You and I are SO alike! I just cleaned my house, top to bottom, because of an actual deadline. Those self-enforced ones...yeah right. Cobwebs dangled from every ceiling.

Heather of the EO said...

That's what makes me clean too. Maybe we could do some sort of exchange? The kind where we actually get to see each other? Is that possible?

April said...

Ohhhh, I love Burn Notice! We just finished Season 2. We are now watching Bones! We'll just pop in. That'll keep you on your toes!

annie valentine said...

And this is the one perk to living by my mother-in-law. Random visits on a semi-regular basis. Freaks me out and keeps my house all sparkly like.

annie valentine said...

Oh yeah, and I totally have butt envy. FLAT AS A PANCAKE. Such a tragedy. I've seriously considered implants, but sitting would be so weird.

charrette said...

I'm so coming. I have no idea when. But I'm coming.

I was placed on earth to make EVERYONE feel better about themselves...big behind, curly hair, annoying mannerisms, and glow-in-the-dark white skin that never, ever tans.

You should all feel better now.

Kazzy said...

I completely love that you realize you are pretty and even admit it. Without apologizing for it. Girl power!

Aubrey said...

I knew there must be a reason I wasn't a cleaner, and now I can blame it on writing. Thank you, Tamara!

By the way, you SO need to watch 'Life' if you haven't seen it yet. The only bad thing about the series is that there's only two seasons. :(

And I am rather partial to the lion towels myself. Think of all the ice cream, I mean, fun we could have together hanging ALL WEEKEND!

Mina said...

It's all about accountability, isn't it? Weight Watchers need to start up a House Cleaners division. Once a week, a meeting leader comes to your house and inspects every room. And you get scored. Then you all come together for a meeting to talk about ways to get those housekeeping habits rolling. I'd join.