Monday, December 7, 2009

Dinner en fuego

I didn't actually see him but I know Wile E. Coyote was in my kitchen today. There's no other explanation for what happened to dinner.

It started off normal-ish. I grabbed a roast from the freezer and dropped it in the slow cooker. That's what we do every Sunday. But when I went to turn it on, something looked amiss. That's when I realized that the bottom of the crock had fallen completely out, totally in intact, in a perfect oval.

You know, like when Wile E. Coyote is standing on something and then falls through it to the canyon far, far below, all the while on his perfectly circular piece of earth that helps him not at all.

My crock pot has been crosshatched with a fine network of cracks for well over a year but it's never showed any signs of giving up. Today all of a sudden, it did. Maybe it was the weight of the frozen roast. I don't know. But then I got a migraine and went to nap it off, figuring inspiration for dinner would strike when I woke up.

When I came back downstairs, the house smelled of . . . roast. My intrepid husband had decided to try the roast in the oven. Smart man. "I wonder why the crock pot got all those cracks in the first place?" I said. "Maybe I rinsed it in cold water while it was still too hot." He theorized that it had to do more with maybe having it on when nothing was in it.

A few minutes later, I was playing with the boys when I heard the most fantastic crash/explosion/yell from my husband/loud hissing steam/I don't know what-all kind of cacophony from the kitchen. I rushed in to find my husband staring at the open oven in disgust. "I'm an idiot," he said. "We just talked about this." Apparently, he had decided to add a little water to the casserole dish while the roast cooked. It was cold water.

Everything blowed up.

In an effort to still save the roast, Kenny decided to grill it. It was a beautiful tri-rip and would have been a terrible waste. That went well until, unbelievably, he ran out of propane.

Still not to be defeated, he decided he would cut up the roast and give the pieces a quick pan fry. It looked promising.

But I had already opted out of roast for dinner, declaring it cursed. As he cleaned the tiny shards of glass out of the oven from the casserole dish, he decided that he wouldn't risk it either just in case there was glass in the meat that he couldn't see. So it went in the garbage after all.

But I know Wile E. had something to do with it.

23 comments:

Becca said...

Really? I hate it when that happens. If you're still hungry, come on over. I'll feed you a totally glass-shard-free meal any time. (But I don't promise roast).

LisAway said...

There was obviously something wrong with the meat and you all would have died if you'd eaten it. Good thing someone upstairs loves you enough to keep you from going that way. And good thing he had Wile E. Coyote to help him. (and not a good thing that that's a little blasphemous).

Tracy said...

I mean, I've heard of opposition in all things, but who ever heard of opposition in the form of a pot roast??

I'm going to go with LisAway and say that it was definitely poisonous pot roast, and divine intervention kept you from unknowingly killing your entire family.

In case that's not enough to make you feel better about the situation, why not throw in the fact that the fumes from your decomposing bodies would have also released spores into the air, carrying the disease into the world and causing a pandemic that would put H1N1 to shame (oh wait, that already happened...um, let's pick Spanish Influenza instead).

Thank you for saving us.

Jami said...

Beep-beep!

Annette Lyon said...

I kind of amazed that you blew over the migraine part so quickly. (Had a migraine and decided to sleep it off . . .) Hope you're feeling better!

Susan said...

Everything blowed up! I love it.

Kristina P. said...

I am going to try to use the word "cacophony" today.

wonder woman said...

That's nuts!

Props to Kenny for his noble attempts, though. Superman would've just done cereal.

Eowyn said...

Wow. There really is no other explanation. How else could you have been cursed so perfectly.

I'm impressed that Kenny kept trying.

You're awesome!

DeNae said...

I swear it's like I-Robot, only the crock pots were in cahoots yesterday.

Mine slow-cooked the unholy bejeebers out of my beef and broccoli, until it was more like tire tred and green slime. Just kept going and going and going...

And I am just waiting for the day when all the little cross-hatching decides to erupt in a lethal fireball of ceramic shards.

Kenny, the Husband said...

I WOULD BE DEFEATED!!!!

So you know, I did venture to try a taste of the crock-pot-slow-cooked-oven-roaster-barbecued-pan-fried meat. And it was DELICIOUS! And then as my wife said, fearing that a microscopic shard of glass would unknowingly enter the blood stream of a loved one and cause irreparable heart damage, I through the tasty cursed meat in the garbage.

But again, so you know...I WAS NOT DEFEATED!!!

So take that Road Runner!!!

(I even have a business card that reads: Kenny Jacobson, Supra-Genuis.)

Kenny, the Husband said...

Uh...I mean..."Supra-Genius".

[quietly sulks away]

CaJoh said...

Must have gotten your stuff from the ACME Store.

Beats when I decided to heat some water while taking a shower. I turned on the wrong burner and proceeded to melt the pan that was sitting on it. Wondered why the water wasn't done and the pot on the left-hand burner was glowing orange… After dousing the pan in cold water wound up with a chunk of aluminum that I kept as a reminder of what "NOT" to do when heating water.

Kimberly said...

I like Lisa's take on things - the ole blessing in disguise!

Lara said...

Oh MAN! Darn that coyote. He ruins everything.

I'm with Lisa, though. This was major divine intervention because you would have all gotten E Coli or something if you ate it.

Kaylie said...

Ha-ha. I love that image of the free-falling crockpot. But you'll have to buy a new one. I don't think I could live without mine.

L.T. Elliot said...

I agree with you. Wile E. was totally up to things in your kitchen. How on earth could so many things go wrong if he wasn't?

stewbert said...

Wow. I would have cried and gone to bed. And my husband would have bought pizza (hush, I know it was Sunday).

I dropped my crock pot a while ago and it shattered. I happened to find another one for super cheap (clearance) that same week so we weren't without for long. Hope you're able to replace yours soon.

Carolyn V. said...

OH my gosh! I'm so sorry about the roast. How sad!

Kazzy said...

Yipes! Maybe you were getting a message of some sort that the meat was bad. Very bad. Bad meat!

Terresa said...

So sorry! We had a tri tip roast on Sunday with vegetables, garlic, worcestershire sauce and cumin. In fact, we still are enjoying the left overs today. Could I Fed ex you some?!

PS: Tell Wile E. Coyote to get lost! :)

Amber Lynae said...

Wow that must have been quite an evening. I think you need to get some Coyote repellent for your kitchen.

I have a time just getting things cooked for dinner with out all that opposition. I can't imagine trying three to four techniques for one roast.

Heather of the EO said...

I had a migraine yesterday. So that's why I'm going to say that we were both all "blowed up." Migraines are mean suckers.

And so was this story! sheesh, that's some stubborn meat :)