This is a girls only post. Seriously, BOYS GO AWAY.
Ladies, I have to tell you that I did something yesterday that I have never done before. In fact, two days ago I'd have bet a thousand dollars that I never would have done this EVER. But I did.
I actually begged my midwife for a pelvic exam. (My HMO has white-jacketed midwives.)
Nothing's wrong. It's just that she told me on my visit two weeks ago that we'd be doing a routine one today and so (in the interests of being discreet) let's just say I spent some time making sure I was presentable. Given that this is the current state of my tummy, it was a wonder of contortions, gyrations, grunts, and possibly strategically placed mirrors:
I pretty much can't even find my razor in the winter because I have no idea why I would shave my legs when I own several pairs of sassy boots. Isn't that why boots were invented? And shaving my legs when I'm pregnant?
Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Guffaw. Snort!
Suffice it to say, this is not a ritual I engage in lightly, gladly, or frequently. In fact, there's no way I'm doing that whole routine again until we're at a point that it's the last stop before the delivery room. Which is why, for the first time ever, I was disappointed when the nurse said, "Oh, no. We don't do that exam until your NEXT visit."
That is NOT what I was told two weeks ago. I nearly grabbed a paper surgical drape and my ballpoint pen to draw her diagram of what getting ready for my appointment yesterday entailed. I think it would have been like when they do those white arrows on a football instant replay, only it would also have to involve some cantilevers and fulcrums to really convey what it took.
Finally, she checked the midwife's notes and yep, I was supposed to get that exam yesterday after all. She quirked an eyebrow at me like, "You're crazy for not taking the out I gave you." And I looked her right back in the eye underneath the quirked eyebrow and said, "You don't understand. I SHAVED MY LEGS. I will not go through this again in two weeks." She laughed. And laughed. And got the exam stuff out and then I heard her telling the other nurses about the crazy patient in Exam Room 3.
And here's the lesson: there are certain sentences you think you'll NEVER say, like "Please give me a pelvic exam." But trust me. . . all it takes is the right circumstance. Like a 45 minute wrestling match with a Lady Schick.
Now you know.