Friday, February 5, 2010

Getting a leg up.

This is a girls only post. Seriously, BOYS GO AWAY.

Ladies, I have to tell you that I did something yesterday that I have never done before. In fact, two days ago I'd have bet a thousand dollars that I never would have done this EVER. But I did.

I actually begged my midwife for a pelvic exam. (My HMO has white-jacketed midwives.)

Nothing's wrong. It's just that she told me on my visit two weeks ago that we'd be doing a routine one today and so (in the interests of being discreet) let's just say I spent some time making sure I was presentable. Given that this is the current state of my tummy, it was a wonder of contortions, gyrations, grunts, and possibly strategically placed mirrors:


I pretty much can't even find my razor in the winter because I have no idea why I would shave my legs when I own several pairs of sassy boots. Isn't that why boots were invented? And shaving my legs when I'm pregnant?

Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Guffaw. Snort!

Suffice it to say, this is not a ritual I engage in lightly, gladly, or frequently. In fact, there's no way I'm doing that whole routine again until we're at a point that it's the last stop before the delivery room. Which is why, for the first time ever, I was disappointed when the nurse said, "Oh, no. We don't do that exam until your NEXT visit."

Um.

What?

That is NOT what I was told two weeks ago. I nearly grabbed a paper surgical drape and my ballpoint pen to draw her diagram of what getting ready for my appointment yesterday entailed. I think it would have been like when they do those white arrows on a football instant replay, only it would also have to involve some cantilevers and fulcrums to really convey what it took.

Finally, she checked the midwife's notes and yep, I was supposed to get that exam yesterday after all. She quirked an eyebrow at me like, "You're crazy for not taking the out I gave you." And I looked her right back in the eye underneath the quirked eyebrow and said, "You don't understand. I SHAVED MY LEGS. I will not go through this again in two weeks." She laughed. And laughed. And got the exam stuff out and then I heard her telling the other nurses about the crazy patient in Exam Room 3.

And here's the lesson: there are certain sentences you think you'll NEVER say, like "Please give me a pelvic exam." But trust me. . . all it takes is the right circumstance. Like a 45 minute wrestling match with a Lady Schick.

Now you know.

25 comments:

MommyJ said...

Oh, I'm laughing so hard right now. I get it... I absolutely one hundred percent get it!!

InkMom said...

I asked for a pelvic exam when we went to see U2 four weeks before my due date. I mean, if I was going to drop my baby in downtown Atlanta, I at least wanted to be prepared for it. And there's always the, "Please, God, let me be even a little bit dilated" begging session. But that point in a pregnancy (not your first) there's no such thing as "privacy" anyway, right?

Happy Mom said...

This post was a gem!! I too can't stop giggling as I sit in front of my computer.

As with all real humor, it has to strike a chord with others real lives to be funny. This one struck BIG!

Kimberly said...

I so get it! And am laughing my face off right now - you're awesome!

Also awesome? Lady Remington electric razor (not the kind with the circular head - the straight bar). Use mine all through my pregnancy until it finally broke down (after five years of abuse) three weeks before my c-section. Which happened WAY sooner than I thought and I had to have a c-section with 3 weeks of growth on. SO mortifying. I actually apologized to the nurses and they found it highly amusing too...

Carolyn V. said...

You look so cute in your picture!

I hated the pelvic exams and each time I had to get one I'd say, "I hate this part of the exam." To which my doctor would reply, "Find me a woman who doesn't." So true. And yes, I finally got to the point when I just stopped shaving and figured the doctor had seen worse. =)

Becca said...

You are hilarious. I love you. And I am glad you got what you deserved, because Heaven knows, you earned it. Good job, you.

wonder woman said...

I went through the same thing just a few days ago. And seriously considered blogging it. But I couldn't come up with something other than: "Do you prep your girly parts when others are going to see them? Isn't it way hard when you're pregnant?"

Annette Lyon said...

Something only other women who've been that pregnancy can fully appreciate. (Although I don't think at that point I even CARED whether I had shaved legs. At least you have standards.)

Andrew & Sarah Clawson said...

Melanie- I LOVE your prego belly!!! Since I amon the dwarfish side, my babies had no where to go but out, so I remember begging my husband to shave for me or help me tie my shoes!!! Your post brings back a lot of memories!

L.T. Elliot said...

I'm so with you! Laughing my butt off, but with you!

Sarah M Eden said...

I'm very glad the boys were asked to leave. They so wouldn't understand why this not only makes perfect sense but is absolutely hilarious.

nano*ink said...

Hilarious...
Did we ever tell you Allen's "bum" story when he was taking radiation?

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

This is priceless! And makes complete sense.

Melinda said...

I'm right there with you! I shaved my legs yesterday and thought, why the crap am I doing this?! I wear boots a lot lately too! :)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

One of your funniest, Melanie. We women work too hard.

And, yes, that's EXACTLY what boots were made for (in addition to walking "all over you").

You're adorable.

Aubrey said...

Holy cow, that was funny. And you're right; no one should go to all that trouble for nothing!

Jessica G. said...

Once during a pelvic exam, my doctor remarked that my cervix looked great. My reply was "Thanks, I've been working out." He didn't stop laughing through the rest of the exam.

Lara said...

Too funny. And actually, really impressive. To me, anyway. I just didn't care enough to bother while pregnant...I was too busy trying to stay alive to worry about if my doctor saw my incredibly hairy legs.

Kazzy said...

You earned that exam with every swipe of the Schick, lady! And your title cracked me up!

Amber said...

I'm glad that midwife didn't mess with you because I'm certain you could have whooped her butt.

Kaylie said...

So true...You forget all these things when you're not pregnant yourself. This is one of the many memory lapses which makes women have more than one child.

Terresa said...

hehehe. I love your preggers pic! Pelvic exams, not my fave thing, but you know, necessary, like umm, dental appts, I guess.

You are both beautiful & hilarious!

Heather of the EO said...

Oh how I love you.

Emily said...

Totally 100% agree.

wendy said...

LOVE the photo of your prego.
Shaving your legs ---I thought you were going to talk about you ---you know, va jay jay.
the whole brazilian thing.

sorry, my mind works in mysterious ways.