Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bite me, Crest.

Obviously, based on my last post, you can tell I like a good bargain. I spend lots of money so that I can get lots of good bargains. Then I roll around in all the invisible dollars I saved and wiggle with happiness. This approach doesn't make a lot of sense to Kenny, but that's because he's too busy earning the money to understand the joy of rolling around in piles of invisible dollars.

Sometimes, though, I spend money and it's not such a good bargain. For example, in the last six weeks, I have spent $7,800. Want to know what I got for it?

$7,800 will buy a 2001 BMW 525.

Or a one week stay at the Ritz-Carlton on New York's Central Park with first class air fare and four star restaurants every night.

It will buy this Bottega Veneta handbag:

If you are asking why anyone would pay that much for a handbag, the answer is: I don't  know. They're bored, maybe? Or they suffer from "more hair than wit" syndrome?

$7800 will buy this camper:

And Ralph, the hairy and (if truth be told) musty smelling caretaker of said trailer.

Which still makes more sense than the purse.

$7800 will buy six-and-a-half years of piano lessons.

It will furnish my house four times over.

It will buy this tractor, which I suddenly really want:

It's shiny and red!

Or it could get you this art, in case you can't find something similar at the next weekend garage sale you stalk:

But did I get any of these things?

No, I did not.

This is what my $7,800 bought me:

A whole bunch of quality time with the dentist. Two root canals, three crowns and eight cavity fillings will do that to you. YES, I BRUSH AND FLOSS, thanks for asking.

But hey, it was a bargain at 5% off since I PAID CASH. OUT OF POCKET. FOR EVERY LAST STUPID CENT.

And I got a whole lot of QT with my hygienist, Ray, who calls me "Buddy" and complimented me on "actually washing" my van.

Oh, and I got a free toothbrush.

So I got that going for me.


Susan said...

Holy Moley, girl! I would be freaking out. And the picture of that tooth--Ewwww.

LisAway said...

Thank you very much for making the first part of the post very interesting and funny. It helps (a tiiiiiny, tiny bit) to counteract the serious knots I have in my stomach now after reading about all those procedures and all that money. Oh. My. Gosh. (you should've come to Poland. MUCH cheaper here. . .)

怡文蔡 said...


Amber said...

Awww! And I was hoping you got the BMW! Dang it!

We just got dental insurance (like last night) and I am already feeling our money protest.

NIKOL said...

Yeesh. I'm so sorry. But hopefully you won't have to have any MORE dental work for a long time!

Valerie said...

Sometimes I feel like the "free" toothbrush is the dentist's way of saying, "Sucker!". You get the brush, he gets a week-long vacation at the Ritz-Carlton in New York.

Anonymous said...

Oh. Oh. Oh. That is so sad.

Of course, it would be much sadder if you didn't have any access to dental care and hadn't been able to have the work done. But still, that bites.

Kristina P. said...

Are you kidding? I really think you should just get dentures. No one really *needs* their teeth.

Alison Wonderland said...

You should have mentioned the toothbrush upfront, that changes the whole dynamic.

Staci said...

Sorry to hear about all that - no fun! I wanted to cry when I just got one crown done :(

A guy in our ward in Utah pulled out ALL his teeth and got dentures to avoid all the dental work that he needed to have done...and he was only in his 20's!! Everyone thought he was crazy but he said he refused to pay for all the work he needed. So that's always an option ;)

Annette Lyon said...

Wow--way to have the cash.

I have teeth like yours, alas--the kind with enamel about as hard as, oh, butter. I brush and floss and swish with the best and will still get cavities.

A pox on those people who brush when it occurs to them and who never get cavities.

Don said...

Oh, Melanie. My heart and teeth both ache for you and your dentist bill. No fun!

Karen said...

Sometimes I swear dentists give root canals just because they can.

Charlotte said...

You should have just invested in wooden teeth. If you're good at carving they wouldn't cost you anything and chewing is overrated.

I have been avoiding getting my wisdom teeth out for 10 years and I know that makes me look ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as wearing wooden teeth...

DeNae said...

I was going to say something witty and spry but that Chinese guy beat me to it.

So instead I'll just say, been there. This year. So far we're up to about $4k in dental bills.

Good times, huh? Sometimes it stinks to have to be a grownup about things.

Eowyn said...


I'm impressed by you! Congratulations for living through that!

Kimberly said...

It's shiny and red! Hee hee...you are such a hoot. Love.

Do NOT love the physical and economical trauma you've just been through though - ouchie!

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