Sunday, November 21, 2010

Stupid Mean Girl

I am turning into a mean girl and I hate it so much.

I'm not even going to go into detail so I can protect the identity of the innocent, but . . .

Can you think of someone who currently (or has in the past) gets on your last nerve? And I mean the very last one, the one that when it snaps, will take the firewalls that keep all your worst instincts in check. That one.

There is now someone in my social circle who is this for me, a last-nerve-getter-on-er. It makes me nuts and I try, I really do, to be patient and sympathetic and understanding. I MEAN it. I do. I've gotten as far as figuring out that part of what bugs me about her, MOST of what bugs me about her, is that I see most of my worst traits amplified in her. Except she doesn't have any, ahem, witchiness about her (which I do, in spades). She's just needy. And annoying. And that's all the detail I'm going to give.

Anyway, I find myself doing passive-aggressive mean girl crap. Like for example, she and another girl were walking side by side, both wearing their jeans tucked into their boots. So I say to the one but not the other, "I like your boots." And I did like the pair I complimented and not the other but it's mean not to compliment both. I should have kept my mouth shut.

But then I had to twist the knife a little so I said, "I can't wear my jeans tucked into my boots because I have wide hips. I look like a triangle. It's not cute." Which is totally true, both that I don't do it and why I don't do it. But guess what? This girl has wide hips, not just in my opinion but as a FACTUAL TRUTH, and I said it as she was standing right there with her jeans tucked into her boots. On purpose.

Because I suck.

I hate when I see girls do this to each other. I'm fully aware that I'm doing it AND I CAN'T STOP.

I hate me a little bit right now. Sort of a medium bit, actually.

I have been praying hard for a change of heart. And it always seems to work until I see her again and then I just want to smack her. 

I am definitely not the only person that she bugs, but my friends are nice people and overlook her flaws. The group of "popular" women who orbit near us do not necessarily pull their punches like this. I don't want to be like them. I want to be kind. I usually have much better control over my behavior.

But she's making me crazy.

So I guess I'll just pray some more that I can quit being awful.

And don't tell me I'm not a bad person. In this specific respect, I AM. You can say you relate or that it's normal, but I don't want anyone trying to make me feel better about acting this way because it's NOT OKAY. And I don't want any credit for recognizing that fact, either.

I just want to find a grain of niceness and compassion and water it until it grows.

But son of a biscuit, she makes it HARD.


LisAway said...

So good luck with that. If you're like me you would just completely avoid her. Not the most mature method and slightly less conducive to the growth of which you speak.

The Lovely One said...

Thank you for writing what I totally feel! I feel better now after reading this!

charrette said...

I hate it when I catch myself doing anything remotely akin to this. But it happens. Rein it in, sistuh!

Susan said...

If this makes you feel any better, I think you suck, M.J! This is college behavior. Snap out of it, girl! There. Is that better? (If it makes you feel any better, I am actually shocked at you. You're too mature for these tendencies.)

I have a girl that kind of does this to me, at church. And i figured it out. She and I are way too much alike. Why does this bug me? Do I not want someone to be like me? Tall, pretty on a good hair day, flat chested.

But I'm like Lisa. I just avoid. I'm so terrified of the meanness that may escape my lips that I run the other way. Which is so immature. I should just buck up and be better.

Kazzy said...

Being the big sister in my family, I find myself wanting to offer advice to people who might bug me. Like, "You should really...". I don't get mean as much as I get patronizing.

Tracy Loewer said...

Oooh, that's harsh, but it takes guts to admit it. It's tough to struggle with that annoying person. I usually avoid those people whenever possible because when I have to be around them, it takes every ounce of my willpower to get through it.

One of my favourite scriptures is in James 3 where it talks about a man being perfect if he can control his tongue. I've got a LONG way to go, but I've also improved a great deal as I've learned that a little compassion (for others and myself during the struggle) goes along way. Good luck and keep trying to get better!

becca said...

Ack. The people who bug me worst (both in social settings and inside my happy little home) are always the ones in whom I see my own worst faults - the bossiness, the know-it-all-ness, the NEED to say something at all times instead of just shutting up. I so feel that part of this.

Kristina P. said...

I would start cyberbullying her on FB, for good measure.

Lara said...

So I just recently had my own issue with a girl. One day she called me, needing something, and I really was downright rude to her. My husband even called me on it, and he never does that.

And then, I found out that she has been going through some really difficult issues in her life and I was sufficiently chastised by the Spirit, and immediately called her and apologized. It's still hard for me to like her, but I learned that I still love her.

Anyway, I say that because I get where you're coming from. Exactly. And I'm impressed you have written this, because it makes us all realize that we all have these funny reactions to some people.

Kimberly said...

Oh how I can relate. Oh oh oh. And here, in our little corner of the world, I am the Branch President's wife. And since we only have 33 members, I simply can NOT get away with being snarky. So I bottle it up till I explode when I'm alone with Neil and then I feel miserable because yeah, I just spewed the worst of me all over the place in front of the guy I love. Talk about guilt inducing.

So I try to pity her. And it helps. Some days.

Kim Coates said...

Looks like we can all relate! I know this guy who make me CRAZY. Only problem is, I need his help frequently with computer problems. So I have to such it up and deal with the incredibly helpful, but even more incredibly annoying man!


Good luck!

Sarah said...

Force yourself to list the good things about her when you see her.

"Well, at least there isn't a booger in her nose."

"She brushed her hair today, nice."

"That blue color doesn't totally wash her out, only a little bit."

And eventually, you might find yourself saying something that actually IS nice. You might mean it too.

Also, perhaps you should pray for a change of perspective rather than a change of heart. You don't have to like her to have empathy for why she is who she is.

Melanie's Sister said...

It's not nice to talk about your sister that way.

Karen Peterson said...

I'm a mean girl, too. I hate that I do it, but apparently not enough to stop.

Linda said...

Uncle Mark calls that "ready-shoot-aim". I am guilty as well and I am way old enough to know better. It's one of those things that after I have said something I am shocked that it came out of my mouth because I know I am not a mean person and either are YOU. I find myself just avoiding people that bring this out in me.
Yes, my dear, you are NORMAL.

Sarah M Eden said...

Been there. One person who was that way for me (drove me CRAZY and brought out he worst in me) was a thorn in my side from childhood clear until we were adults and finally lived in different states. I have a feeling if she lived anywhere near me now, I'd be writing this exact same blog post.

peewee said...

Yah. I hear ya. I wouldn't have a blog were it not for the annoying people of the world. SO yay them for serving a purpose!

Jami said...

I just duck and hide when this happens to me. And back when I had a baby in diapers I would excuse myself to go change her when she was quite clean and fresh. I also have been known to hope and pray that the person would move cross country.

You are strong enough to conquer it. Good luck.

Josi said...

I recently had a situation like this--I accidentally sent an e-mail to her complaining ABOUT her and was mortified. BUT, she handled it in a way that's almost subhuman and when I apologized, she not only accepted it but it opened up a dialogue that changed everything. I finally 'got' why she bothered me so much (she triggered some things in me that had nothing to do with her) AND I learned where she came from and it's made all the difference. It is one of my most embarassing moments ever, but I have become so grateful it happened. Not sure you should do the same thing :-) , but I'm wondering if there is something in her history that would make sense of her issues. It doesn't mean you would ever be BFFs but maybe if you figured that out, you would learn what she's supposed to teach you and not be so triggered. Good luck, those situations are the worst.

Emily said...

Nice! I'm a mean girl from time to time too in regards to critiquing my fellow classmates work. I mean someone has to tell them their images SUCK! I'M DOING THEM A FAVOR!

And then I feel bad. Sort of. But then I realize that I'm really helping them because the world deserves MORE. WE ATTEND AN ART SCHOOL. STEP IT UP!

And then the profs always back me, but I still feel like I could have worded my critique a little nicer.

wendy said...

I think we all have little pieces of "mean" in us.
so we just keep praying

maybe she'll move
or you could suggest to her that she should move

The Boob Nazi said...

I'm mean during church. Seriously.