Tuesday, May 3, 2011

This post stinks.

So I was going to bring raw almonds as a "save me" snack during the LDS Storymakers conference I'm attending this week . . . until I found out almonds cause gas. And I'm presenting. I already have nightmares where people exit the room muttering, "Wow. She stunk." I don't need them to mean that literally. 


My mom used to have all these theories about foods that caused her gas. If she ever got gas within an hour of eating any food, no matter what it was, she would pretty much never eat that food again. So yeah, she more or less lived on oatmeal. No gas! During the last month of two before she died, when she still had an appetite, she took a great deal of satisfaction in eating whatever she wanted and not worrying about the fall out. And folks, sometimes it was nuclear level. 


I've learned a lot by having parents who died too young. One of those things is: don't leave things unsaid. Another of those things is: eat stuff you like even if it makes you gassy because life is short. Except if you're presenting at a conference. Then don't do that.


I'm like, pretty wise and stuff. That's how I can find a lesson in anything.


Anyway, time to figure out a plan B. Off to Google: Do baby carrots cause gas? Oooh, or better yet: Snacks that taste delicious and won't make you fat OR give you gas.

18 comments:

Chantele Sedgwick said...

Almonds give you gas?! I had no idea! I love almonds! I was also thinking of bringing those. Granted, I'll be sitting in the audience, so no one would ever know I was the one who had gas... I'll sneak you a couple! ;)

Kristina P. said...

Apparently, anything my colon touches turns into gas. You're welcome.

Happy Mom said...

I missed your last post. Breaking you boob has to be the best story EVER!!

We had neighbors over and played your game where you pause the movie and make the face -- hilarious -- thanks!!

Eat the almonds!! You'll be on the stage so as long as you control the volume, no one will be the wiser!!

Wish I lived close enough to come!

Barbaloot said...

I inhaled a huge gust of wind on my way to work today and so far no gas. You should try that. (Points if you know what I'm referencing)

Linda said...

When your mom and dad came to visit Uncle Mark wanted me to make red beans and rice. Your dad was more than excited but your mom was worried about the "gas". It was so funny! Because your mom and dad were signing back and forth and I told them that was not fair cuz I wanted in on the conversation, so then your mom told me the conversation was about gas!! lol
Makes me smile!!!! Anyway, your mom did eat the red beans and rice but, as far as if they made her have bad gas, I never asked her!!!

Jessica B said...

Who knew?
I love almonds. And baby carrots. I say eat 'em.

Karen Peterson said...

Maybe you should just get those charcoal inserts that counteract the smelly effects of gas. Then you can snack to your heart's delight.

L.T. Elliot said...

I had no idea almonds did that. What about one of those cheesy tv cure-alls like Beano or Gas-X? I can't even believe I just asked.

Well, I don't care if you do stink because your dialogue doesn't. I freaking ADORED the dialogue in THE LIST and now I MUST KNOW how you did it. Are there enough caps in here? NOOO! Okay, now there are.

Melinda said...

"I'm like, pretty wise and stuff. That's how I can find a lesson in anything."

Best line EVER.

Becca said...

Snacks? Shoot. I thought I was ahead of the game just remembering that I have a class or two to teach.

Susan said...

I'm always terrified I'm going to rip one up at the pulpit when I'm giving a talk. I'll try not to snicker if it happens to you. Nah. I'll totally laugh my head off.

Good luck~

Miss Sippi Lightheart's said...

You know you want the almonds! Get chocolate covered ones, I'm sure that will solve the problem, ha! By the way...LOVE YOUR BLOG!

wendy said...

That was pretty funny. I find pretty much EVERYTHING gives me gas. It is what it is.
And that's what makes horseback riding so fun...you can fart up a storm, and everyone just thinks it's the horse, cause they are famous for that.

you'll do great at the conference!!!

Elise said...

I'm de-lurking myself. Hi! I just wanted to let you know that I read your book over the weekend and LOVED it. You are SO STINKING funny. I loaned it to my sister, she read it in one afternoon, and she agreed with me wholeheartedly. Well done!

That's all I had to say. There may have been a more appropriate place to make a comment like this, but I can't even remember how I found your blog, let alone the website where I found your book. (Is it possible to have a terrible sense of direction on the internet?)

Anyway...oh yeah! Gas! Avoid broccoli. This is good advice in general, but where public speaking is concerned you can't be too careful.

Donna Weaver said...

I'd never heard almonds gave you gas. Wow.

Oh, and Gas X is a wonderful thing. They even give it to collicky babies now.

You did a wonderful job at Bootcamp. Thanks for all the input.

Kazzy said...

Hope your presenting goes well. Fun to see you last night.

Jami said...

Almonds? Who knew? Pas moi. But that explains a lot.

Sierra Gardner said...

Just remember that Google saves your searches, so the next person on the computer searching for good snack ideas might come across a surprise =)