Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My friend broke her boob.

Here's the thing. If yo're going to suffer a mediumish-to-major injury, you need to have a good story for it.

True lame story: the worst injury I've ever had was a dislocated knee. I showed up to eighth grade with a massive full leg brace and got to do physical therapy for three months. It was an impressive looking injury, and a highly visible one. I got like, a  million questions about how I hurt it.

Battling grizzlies, chasing down a purse snatcher, at the bottom of a tackle pile in Saturday afternoon football: all acceptable answers.

Not the real answers, but good ones. 

The answer I had to give: I did this getting out of bed.

Yeah. That's right. I ripped the cartilage in my knee my swinging my legs over the side of the bed like I did every morning.

NOT awesome.

James had a dramatic toe injury last week along the lines of oozing blood and an urgent care visit.

"It hurts!" he wailed.

I shrugged. "At least you've got a good story out of it."

"You are so wise, Mom!" is what he meant, even though his actual words were "What the crap are you talking about?"

He got the injury, in case you were dying to know, when he and I tried to rescue some wood from an HOA beautification project in our neighborhood to give to Kenny for his lathe. An extremely heavy stump defeated us and it landed on James's toe. That stump wanted to rage against the dying of the light, folks.

So back to my friend who broke her boob. At least it's because she was hit by a car crossing Pacific Coast Highway. Some ditzy blonde in her daddy's convertible mowed her down and it popped my friend's breast implant. 

But it's so much better than explaining she has to get a $16,000 surgical repair because she tripped on the carpet or something.

See? Silver lining.


Vivian said...

Your writing keeps me glued to my screen. I could envision perfectly everything you were talking about. I'll have to say I couldn't wait to get to the part on how someone breaks a book...wow!

Melissa Bastow said...

Did you ever see that one video ( from like YEARS ago) where a swordfish rips a lady's boob implant out? Now that would make for good story telling - if it were me, I'd probably leave my boobs lopsided just so people would ask and I'd get to tell the story over and over.

That Girl said...

Dude. That can happen?!

LisAway said...

Oooooooh, I HATE when my breast implants pop.

Barbaloot said...

Ow! I just can't even imagine how much that hurts!!!!

Carolyn V said...

It popped? Ouch!

I hope she's doing better.

Kristina P. said...

That is literally the best sentence to start a blog post, EVER.

I hope your next one is, "So, my friend broke his penis."

Chantele Sedgwick said...

Dude. That is why I don't have breast implants. That would hurt so bad!!

Susan said...

Every time I think about buying bigger boobs, I envision something like this. I think I'll stay flat. Thankyouverymuch.

Charlotte said...

I wish I could pop my boob and get it to shrink a little. I would even take "got out of bed wrong" for it.

I have no good injury stories. My husband broke his jaw in a softball game and almost accidentally cut off his leg TWICE with a chain saw. he gets all the good stories, but I think I will let him keep the distinction.

Jessica B said...

Whoa. That was definitely an impressive "get you interested" starter sentence! And quite a shocking story to boot. Who knew they could even pop?!

Karen Peterson said...

You have NO IDEA how many times in the past month I have actually said and/or thought that I am so grateful to have broken my arm while rock climbing instead of doing something lame like running into a door frame.

Lara said...

This whole post I just kept thinking HOW on earth does one break her boob?

Oh. I see.

And yes, at least it's a good story.

Kazzy said...

Excuse me, but did you say $16K? That is some massive breakage.

Kimberly said...

I totally want to go down a cup size. Is there somewhere where I can donate or something?

wendy said...

Oh my goodness..I wonder if that hurt, well, I mean it probably did getting hit by the car and all'but I wonder if the whole boob explosion thing hurt???

Did it make a popping sound
did it go flat, like a tire
so many questions still.

DeNae said...

Holy crap! Hit by a car? That's crazy. Does Ditzy Blonde's insurance cover the re-plant?