Thursday, June 2, 2011

Losing It

Here is a list of things that could drive me to murder. Bookmark it so when I inevitably turn homicidal, you can point the cops in the right direction.

1. Working with my kid at 12:42 in the morning on a project for school. After nearly eight hours on said project. And repeating myself for the fiftieth time when I say, "I said do it neatly."

2. Driving behind someone going nearly twenty miles under the speed limit. That happened today. I honked. But all my fingers stayed firmly on the wheel, thankyouverymuch. ALL of them.

3. Getting stuck in an intersection when the arrow turns red because some batty woman decides to cross without a walk signal. Slowly. I honked again. Fingers still followed the commandments.

4. Rules about comma usage.

5. Commas.

6. Costco when people swarm the burrito sample lady while I'm trying to get to the frozen chicken tenders.

7. Library fees racked up people whose names are not Melanie Jacobson but who live in my house and screw with my library good-standing.

8. These TV shows: the local news (any channel), The Real Housewives of Anything, any VH-1 non-musical programming, Two and a Half Men.

9. Cutting carbs. I'm serious about this one, though. It must never, ever happen or else "rage issues" will take on a whole new meaning.

10. The birds who start chirping at TEN AT NIGHT. NIGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTTT. TENNNNNNNN. I hate them. They are loud. They are not as cute as they think they are. They are the lady in the ward choir that everyone hopes will forget to show up on the Sunday of the actual performance. They are that loud. They are that discordant. They are still going THREE hours later. I hate you, birds!

(But Sheridan, I really don't hate nature. I just don't like it when nature happens within a six foot perimeter of my house.)

So here's a thought. I shouldn't blog at (now) 1-freaking-a.m. when I am furious with my child, his teachers, our school district, the state of public education in general, the egregious use of algebra in schools specifically, and . . . 

Oh, wait. He's done.

Good night.


LisAway said...

So I'm just assuming that your "Good night" meant "I'm going to bed now, and it's about time" and was not code for, "I'm off to commit murder". I really, really hope that's the case. I will try not to kill anyone, too. If I can manage after reading your list.

Susan said...

I can't cut carbs either. I NEEEEDDDD carbs.

charrette said...

Thank you for verifying that i"m not the only person who's losing it! (And making me laugh helped too...)

Chantele Sedgwick said...

Not sure if I could have kept all my fingers on the steering wheel... :) I had comma rules too. In other words, I always tend to overuse them! :P
Oh, and the cutting carbs thing? Nope. Couldn't do it either.

Sierra Gardner said...

Amen. Add to that list people who put on their emergency blinkers when it's raining (REALLY?!?! And yes, that does happen out here), people who are incapable of turning without coming to a complete stop and the that gal at the gym who thinks being in a locker room gives her license to wander around in her birthday suit while doing her makeup.

Stephanie Black said...

I hate big school projects that are too hard for the child to do on their own. Also, I think children should not have homework until maybe 4th or 5th grade. I'm a rebel.

Kristina P. said...

I have to say,,,,, I would have totally pegged you for a Real Housewives fan.

Carolyn V said...

Oh, the big school projects. We have one week of school here and my kids had two of them! Needless to say, they didn't quite get all the way done.

Melinda said...

Can I add to your list:

*Children who stomp when they're angry.

*Children who scream and whine every 10 seconds the moment you wake up.

*Husbands who kick you off the computer and ask you incredibly annoying questions first thing in the morning...

I could keep going, this has been my morning so far and I've only been up for 20 minutes. Boo.

Val said...

I came to your blog because I was wondering whether it's ok to write a blog if you're not sure there are readers. And found your post on how you had just unfollowed many people. :)

So, just wanted to say I read a few of your posts and I like how funny you are about daily things. I hope that homework got a great grade, for all the effort and angst!

~T~ said...

I love commas! What's wrong with you?
Were there commas and algebra in the same project? That would definitely be wrong.

Maggie said...

Yes, Two and a Half Men is one of the worst shows. Annoying!

Charlotte said...

I have a prolific comma addiction. Please don't kill me.

Kimberly said...

I've been a little angry at the world lately but, um, none of my reasons are HALF as good as yours. So . . . I think I won't be angry anymore now.

p.s. I cut carbs and lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. But I was CRANKY.

Erin said...

A couple of days ago we were following a gang of motorcyclists (8 of them) driving 10 under the speed limit, on a road that was do-not-pass for 25 miles. Blurg.

I hope you got some sleep last night.

Anna said...

We have two sets of nests with baby birds in them in the attic by our room. One is in the eves and the other is above our closet. BOTH chirp at 6:30 in the morning.

I hated them until one of the baby birds fell out of the nest and my dog was trying to dig at it. I scooped it up in a container and my brother-in-law put it back for me because I felt so bad for the helpless bird.

After they grow up and move away, we are sealing up the attic. We're giving them that much time. After that, they are gone.

Enjoy Birth said...

Glad to know you don't hate nature. :) Also I too hate projects like that.

K.D. Kinney said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes into a rage when I don't get enough carbs. Cut BACK, okay. Cut OUT, no way. I hope you're feeling better now!

wendy said...

I giggled through this whole post.
I soooo remember working long hours with the kids on school projects.
I, keep your fingers still...probably drive UNDER the speed limit (I am getting old)
I too hate loud birds. they should only chirp like in Snow White when they are helping you with yoru chores.
so glad and proud of you that your fingers follow the there a primary song about that?????

Karen Peterson said...

If you ever commit murder, I'll totally bake you a cake with a file in it.

L.T. Elliot said...

I am SO BUMMED that I missed out on the mysterious, missing post. Because seriously, I freaking LOVED the zing. This is why you're the queen of dialogue. Teach me? Seriously, I'd pay you in fresh, baked bread.

I about DIED over the fingers on the steering wheel and keeping the commandments. I'm proud of your fingers. Now get them back to typing! *whipcrack!*