Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Funk Busting

Me=1, The Funk=0. Because I rock like that.

I hate noogies (see yesterday's post), so my only choice when The Funk snuck up and gave me one was to spin around Jackie Chan-style and then make an ugly dubbed martial arts film bad guy face and deliver a swift karate kick to The Funk's crotch, because I hate being snuck up on.

So I did.

It all happened very quickly with my lightning fast skills, but if you put the whole thing on slow-mo, then watched it over and over again, it would have looked like this:

I said a prayer because I forgot that yesterday morning. Then I hummed that "Don't Forget to Pray" hymn while loading my baby into the stroller and rolling my older son's bike out of the garage. I found the song pleasant but strange because I'm not a hymn hummer. However, since it stuck with me, I went with it and I think it had the Barry Manilow effect that Crash Test Dummy described in this post and it weakened The Funk's resistance.

Then, I fired up The White Stripes on my iPod, and although I've never really tried a White Stripes/hymn cocktail before...it worked. We all headed down to the park where my oldest leapt from his bike to roll around in the sand (maybe removing tics? I dunno) and I power-walked the park paths and threw in occasional bouts of bench stepping to bust my glutes and some tricep presses because I am soooo never gonna get RS arm because....eww. Sorry, but ew.

Then The Funk was in retreat but I wanted it eviscerated. It gave me a NOOGIE. The ONLY appropriate response is total annihilation. So when we got home, I loaded the boys into the car and took them to get fro-yo, which I believe is often medically prescribed in cases like this.

Or should be.

Anyway, we were celebrating James's awesomeness of getting a perfect score on his FOURTH GRADE !!!!MULTI-VARIABLE EQUATION!!!!! math test (kill me now or sixth grade math will), a feat not accomplished since his first grade second trimester benchmark test, so he loaded up his cup with everything bright and unnaturally colored and I didn't say a word. In fact, I just got myself some pumpkin and cheesecake goodness topped with a touch of chocolatey, nutty badness and enjoyed a visit with my kids.

The Funk was scared.

Then I took a short nap which was probably the final nail in The Funk coffin, but I wanted to dance on The Funk's grave. So I got all dolled up in a super cute cardigan and newish jeans, dropped the kids off with my brother, and drove out to watch Twilight with one of my BFFs. Didn't really want to see the movie but was sooooo glad I did as I got to develop a spontaneous and amazing impersonation of Evil James (the vampire, not my math genius kid), which made my friend Jaymee both mad and laugh at the same time. Me: does James imitation which requires no words, only piercing over-acted stares. Jaymee: (hissing) Stop! (Giggling). Seriously! (More giggling).

Then to commemorate the battle victory, we went to Ooka, a Benihana style hibachi place that they don't have out my way and I did some serious damage with superawesome noodles and filet mignon, followed by a stroll through the bookstore.

Yeah, The Funk is so done.

14 comments:

Annette Lyon said...

I'm not nearly this good at busting the Funk. Next time, I'll be taking a page out of your book and trying all this!

CaJoh said...

Good to hear you beat "the Funk". Not sure I know the prayer hymn, but I do have a story I'll have to post on with a "prayer rock" in it.

Call me "locale challenged"— but what is "fro-yo"? Is it a restaurant (K-Chicken, Micky-D's)— or is it a food?

Shellie said...

Now that is called a beat down. The Funk just got owned!

Now I need to know how to get over the Funky Funk. The Funk's older more meaner, fat slob, poo breath, pus face, older brother.

Melanie J said...

Good luck, Shellie. The Funky Funk super sucks. I suggest winning the lottery, doing gobs of shopping, and then watching a Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon.

Kristina P. said...

Congrats on kicking the funk's stupid butt! I am so happy that today is "Friday."

LisAway said...

Wow. That was quite a duel! And you're quite a victor. Not a Victor. Just a victor. You make a better Melanie. In my opinion.

Glad you beat it.

Janette Rallison said...

You are having way more fun than me. . . now I'm in a funk . . .

Mina said...

Wow. You need to write a manual: How to kill the Funk. I'd buy one.

Kimberly said...

I would so print this off and try it sometime but I live in the middle o'nowhere. No filet mignon. No fro-yo. And a bookstore so small that you can literally walk across it in five steps.

Sigh.

Kimberly said...

Err...wait...I forgot the positive bit..

Yay Mel! Way to go! You rock! Kick that funk!

myimaginaryblog said...

Twilight meets High School Musical, with another good James impersonation (warning, I think there are some naughty parts, although I wasn't listening very closely):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv4SCfEuYqg

Congrats on unfunking. I'm unfunked too, although my method was less fun than yours (did laundry and made my kids do chores. Progress against chaos!)

myimaginaryblog said...

Oh oops, shouldn't comment on parodies of movies I haven't seen yet -- on second viewing, clearly the person I was mistaking for James is Jacob Black. (I mean DUH!) And I don't think the naughty bits are *too* bad.

Alison Wonderland said...

It really had no chance did it?

Pink Ink said...

Yum on the food. And I want to see a good escapist movie too so Twilight is on my list.

Ta-Dah for you on beating the funk :-)