Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Lessons from public restrooms, #4

Ha, ha, I'm leaving you speechless, I see.

Sigh.

Oh, well. We're nearing the end of the line.

Lesson #4
The more urgent the need is, the harder the seat cover will be to wrestle from the dispenser. I think it has something to do with an anxiety sensor that some Super Nerd invented and installed with the automatic flushers just for giggles. Your anixiety is high, a little switch goes off in the dispenser and suddenly trying to get one of those things out starts to look like alligator wrestling. I mean, it's just a theory, but I think it's right.

Lesson #3
Any time you're in a store, but most especially when you're in Target, pay attention to the most annoying teenage girls in the store with you. Memorize their faces, study the details, because you will have a stomachache that causes you to rush for the restroom. This stomachache will cause you to suffer from loud sound effects that abuse the bathroom acoustics, and the quieter you try to be, the louder you will get. And when you finally do walk out from the stall, the only other people in the restroom will be those two girls, silent now, staring at you in fascination, memorizing your face, studying your details. And this will happen more than once. In fact, any time you are in a public place with obnoxious teenage girls this will happen, and yes, you are totally justified in suspecting you may have an allergy to them.

Lesson #2
No matter how tempting the acoustics are in a tiled public restroom, and no matter how convinced you are that you are all alone, this is NOT the time or place to bust out your Mariah Carey impersonation. People will hear you and they will wait for you to come out and then they will applaud. But it won't be the kind of applause that makes you feel good.So don't do it. Just saying.

Lesson #1
The people whose numbers are written on the walls of the stall? Usually don't want to be called no matter how bored you are.

18 comments:

myimaginaryblog said...

I'm going to make up these numbers, but the gist is true: I've read that the average office desk has about 1 million times the germs of a public toilet seat. So I don't really bother with the covers. I do squat over the seat without touching it if it's gross, though.

(I think silence was better than TMI, don't you?)

Kristina P. said...

Very true.

Do you have any automatic flushing while you're still on the seat, stories?

myimaginaryblog said...

More accurate numbers:

http://tinyurl.com/aa2wsz

(more like 400 times as many germs on a desk as a toilet seat.)

Shellie said...

If I'm pregnant and go to Target I get the runs. everytime.

Luisa Perkins said...

No, no; it's fascinating. Please continue.

Alison Wonderland said...

I'll bear that in mind.

Debbie said...

I don't bother with those seat covers either. I enjoy not knowing what germs my body is harboring.

Josi said...

People actually use those toilet seat covers? Who knew.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

The same rule applies to the stall latch and the button on your pants. They will NOT work right if you're in hurry. Oh, and there will be no place to hang your coat, purse, etc.

Jami said...

My grandmother used to carry (and use) a small can of Lysol and also do the squat-over. I nearly fell in when I was a kid trying to follow her instructions.

Becky said...

Oh, so true. I've hopped around trying not to pee my pants while I struggle to get that blasted cover out. It'd be funny, except it's me.

April said...

If you see a wad of paper towel by the restroom door, chances are I dropped it there. I refuse to touch the door to a restroom.

BTW, I just sanitized my desk and phone at work yesterday....I'm a germa-phobe!

CaJoh said...

My wife tends to hate the automatic flushing toilets especially when you have to "hover" to get it to flush. Makes me wonder if those geeks have a sick sense of humor.

Kimberly said...

You conspiracy theorist you. Hee hee.

Jessica G. said...

I love bathroom experiences. Everyone has them...even the rich and famous (we know this because their stories are often reported in numerous magazines.)

Heather of the EO said...

YES!

And I think I might be the weakest person on the planet, since I CANNOT DO this squatting technique. My legs give out and I sit on the germs in the end (no pun intended)

Emily said...

Melanie, you have quite a bit of public restroom experience.

A LOT.

Maybe you should just tie a knot in it. Or better yet, take the "gotta go, gotta go, gotta go! Right Now!" pill.

That should do the trick.

Eowyn said...

LOLOL

Especially on the Mariah Cary one!