Friday, February 6, 2009

Lessons from public restrooms, #5 (Take 2)

*Uh...okay, dear readers. Sorry if you're seeing this twice but the only place lesson #5 is showing up right now is in Google Reader. I can't pull it up on my blog or my draft list. So I'm reposting it for any non-Google reader users.*

I hope you feel edified.

Okay, edified might be the wrong word here. Let's say that after these five lessons, I hope you feel...

Well, like you still want to come back here and hang around. I'm just trying to help, after all.

Lesson #5
Sometimes you have to change your baby's diaper bum in a public restroom. You might think that it seems like a good idea to hold your baby's bum up to the hand dryer and get it extra dry, because, hey--it's right there and it could be kind of funny. Don't do it. If you hold your baby's bum up to the hand dryer and turn it on, it might startle your baby. Enough that he'll wet his pants. Except he's not wearing pants. Or even a diaper. So he'll just pee on you. Then you'll have to use the hand dryer to air out your pee shirt. And p.s., the dryer doesn't help with that, either.

Lesson #4
The more urgent the need is, the harder the seat cover will be to wrestle from the dispenser. I think it has something to do with an anxiety sensor that some Super Nerd invented and installed with the automatic flushers just for giggles. Your anixiety is high, a little switch goes off in the dispenser and suddenly trying to get one of those things out starts to look like alligator wrestling. I mean, it's just a theory, but I think it's right.

Lesson #3
Any time you're in a store, but most especially when you're in Target, pay attention to the most annoying teenage girls in the store with you. Memorize their faces, study the details, because you will have a stomachache that causes you to rush for the restroom. This stomachache will cause you to suffer from loud sound effects that abuse the bathroom acoustics, and the quieter you try to be, the louder you will get. And when you finally do walk out from the stall, the only other people in the restroom will be those two girls, silent now, staring at you in fascination, memorizing your face, studying your details. And this will happen more than once. In fact, any time you are in a public place with obnoxious teenage girls this will happen, and yes, you are totally justified in suspecting you may have an allergy to them.

Lesson #2
No matter how tempting the acoustics are in a tiled public restroom, and no matter how convinced you are that you are all alone, this is NOT the time or place to bust out your Mariah Carey impersonation. People will hear you and they will wait for you to come out and then they will applaud. But it won't be the kind of applause that makes you feel good.So don't do it. Just saying.

Lesson #1
The people whose numbers are written on the walls of the stall? Usually don't want to be called no matter how bored you are.

16 comments:

wonder woman said...

I'm crackin' up at the image of a baby's bottom under the hand dryer, then peeing on his mommy. Oh my gosh. I'm dyin'!!

Becky said...

C'mon! Are you absolutely sure that won't work? Because I've always wanted to try that one out!

April said...

Not to mention that the dryers either run VERY HOT or VERY COLD....either way, a baby's butt is very delicate! Poor baby! The air dryers sound like a plane taking off, I'd wet my pants or lack thereof too if someone held me up to one of those and fired it up!

myimaginaryblog said...

It has truly never occurred to me to try this. And I'm so glad.

Little Miss English Teacher said...

HAHAHAHA!!! I need a list of these ... I have a giant FEAR of public restrooms.

And I totally know what you mean about number 4. In fact, even in my own house ... it's like you see the toilet and you can't get your pants off fast enough! I don't know what it is ... does my bladder have eyes or what?!

CountessLaurie said...

You seriously crack me up. Thanks for sharing this um, theoretical list with us...

Have a great day!!

CaJoh said...

Must be the Hand Dryer Police who removed your previous post. Gahh, I don't even remember what I may have said— if I said anything at all.

All the same… you definitely have us all in stitches here. Great series— beats mine hands down (pun intended).

Kimberly said...

That is a hilarious mental image, but from an empathetic point of view - gah!

Heather of the EO said...

This is my favorite bathroom tip.

Kazzy said...

I am sure there is also the possibility of a little bum burn too. Poor babies!

Scribbit said...

I hate to say it but I saw that first one coming from the minute you let it be known the baby in question was a boy :)

Jessica G. said...

I think #5 is my favorite!

Emily said...

PLEASE don't tell me you stuck your baby's nekked bum up to the blazing hot hurricane force air that comes out of the hand dryer!

MELANIE, PLEASE DENY THIS!

You are one crazy girl.

Melissa said...

Very funny--and true! I never held my baby's butt under the dryer, but I did have to dry her hair under it once. She had one of those explosive poops that went all the way up her back AND into her hair. It was so gross. I actually had to wash her hair in a public sink--which was grosser than the explosive poop--and dry her hair under the dryer. It wasn't a good day.

Erin said...

Okay, I don't usually laugh out loud, but #3? Totally made me guffaw. Hilarious!

Alison Wonderland said...

I can't even begin to think why you thought that might be a good idea.

But it does make for good blogging.