Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Who needs Heloise?

I'm not saying my house is immaculate or anything (because I would get struck down by lightning for publishing such a big fat lie), but I am saying that I can totally fake it. Just because I love you, I'm throwing these helpful tips out for you today:


1. If you have a toddler, don't worry about food on the floor. They'll eventually eat it.

2. Get a counter top that doesn't show dirt, like one with a crazy speckle granite pattern. Then you only have to sweep light color crumbs off for it to look clean.

3. If you leave the dishes in the sink long enough, like maybe going on a week, your husband will at some point break down and clean them for you.

4. I've heard people joke about attaching a Swiffer to a crawling baby to get the floor clean, but um. . . it actually works.

5. If you lose the drain cover for your kids' bathtub, the hair clog from your shower will provide a free and easy solution.

You're welcome.

22 comments:

wonder woman said...

The only suggestion I have doubts about is #3 -- leaving dishes in the sink and husband succumbing. Won't happen in the aMayzing household. Superman despises the dishes even more than I do, and will simply eat without dishes.

Migillicutty said...

HeeHeeHee........... Buy brown shaggy carpet, too. Then you can't see any of the dirt in it :) My mom actually did that. She says it was her favorite carpet ever. :)

Becca said...

See? I knew it. It is possible to find another normal woman who lives like me. And that sort of "cleaning" leaves so much more time for important napping and bon-bon snackery.

myimaginaryblog said...

Or you can do like I do and never let anyone (other than immediate family) into your home. If no one sees it, it's like it doesn't exist. Almost.

(BTW I assume you men a dry Swiffer? Because the thought of attaching a wet Swiffer to a kid is a little gross even for me. But to each her own.)

myimaginaryblog said...

ACK--I don't have a pregnancy with which to excuse myself--but I haven't gotten back the lost IQ from the five pregnancies. I men to say meant. Meant to say men. I hope there's no Freudian slippage going on here.

(And someday I'll succeed at leaving just one comment at a time. Where does one go to reclaim lost IQ points?)

Kristina P. said...

Your husband is awesome. My husband just tells me everyday it's my turn to do the dishes.

Kimberly said...

Dishes in the sink is better than hiding them in the oven. And then forgetting about them and turning the oven on...and losing one of your favouritest tupperware dishes. Sigh.

Err...not that I've done that...noooo....

Chris said...

Hair clog? NOOOOOOOOO!

My youngest's nickname as a baby was "Swiffer-Butt" because he never crawled, he scooted on his rear. My mom would joke about putting a swiffer pad on him... hence the nickname. And no, we never actually DID it... though I was tempted some days. :)

Just get a dog for that food on the floor. ;) ...Or, a teenager to vacuum. The teenager option is working out really well for me. :)

DeNae said...

I can tell you from personal experience a dog and a toddler are much cheaper than a cleaning lady.

And my husband will do those dishes. And fold the laundry. And even sweep and vacuum.

Sorry girls. He's taken.

LisAway said...

I can't believe you don't make us pay for information like this. You are such a philanthropist. (if that word even works there in the funny sort of wrong way that I mean it to)

Annette Lyon said...

#2--Totally works. Love my speckled counter tops.

#3--Not in this lifetime.

Stephanie Faris said...

I like number three. I may try that! I have noticed if I go long enough without doing laundry, eventually he runs out of underwear. Although some men would just re-wear it, he doesn't do that...so that's a good way to get the laundry done!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I can't believe that toddler thing works! lol! That's funny

you know what else is funny? When I get a house, I'm going to make sure it has that speckled granite top because you sound as good as me at up keeping house...

I cheat.. always!

That Girl said...

I secretly married my speckled granite countertops, I love it that much.

Kazzy said...

Yes, just the other day the husband and I thought we might try a little experiment and leave the kitchen as is for as long as it took one of the boys to clean it up. Then we looked at each other and laughed. Out loud.

Chaka said...

Have you been peaking in my windows to get your blog post topics? I totally agree with you. I will sometimes give Clorox wipes to the kids to help me clean walls. If you make a game out of it they will actually clean for a few minutes and have cleaner hands when they are done.

Amber Lynae said...

Thank you Melanie.

A week doesn't work with my husband.... but maybe if I can hold out for a month.

charrette said...

Yeah, my countertop has so many multi-colored, randomly placed, dirt-masking specks it actually scares me sometimes! What if I miss something for months?

And our motto is if food's on the floor the dog will eat it. Pathetic but true.

April said...

I love my speckled granite! And my dog is great with the crumbs.

My hubby has been folding laundry since the first week of our marriage when he tried to teach me how to fold the towels. I told him that if he didn't like how I folded the towels he could now fold the laundry from now on....and was there anything else that I did that he didn't like?....crickets.....So with that said, I can pawn off the dishes any time...hehehehe!

As for the hair in the tub...I am gagging as I type it...I just....can't....do...it.

MommyJ said...

Okay. Number 5? That's just gross. :) Speaking of clean houses, I'm keeping two extra kids today and one of them, age 4, just came up to me and asked, "Why is your house SO messy?"

Heh. Funny kid.

Eowyn said...

I'm laughing in pain because I think I've lived every one of these. Awesome list!

Emma said...

So funny, I love it. I to have a toddler and it's so true they will eat it and then say yum!!