Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Crazy 8's

Look, I don't want to say anything ill of DeNae, but...she's kind of a bad influence. I bet you all thought when you saw my New Year's resolution on Monday that I picked something easy. Even though I TOLD you it wouldn't be. Even though I gave you MULTIPLE examples of how hard it would be.

Maybe now you'll believe me when I tell you that DeNae is already forcing me perilously close to breaking my resolution of not being interesting enough for reality TV by forcing me to reveal my extreme psychic powers.

I'm only doing this because you're my friend, DeNae, but if TLC starts calling and waving a contract around, then I'm holding you responsible to send your husband down to shoo them off with his gun.

All right, here's the situation. Before Christmas, I told all my bloggy friends they could ask me a question and I'd answer it. I got lots of questions. And I've answered all but a few of them. I WILL get to all of them, but DeNae has asked me her question an additional 43 times so I'm jumping her to the head of the remaining line.

DeNae's burning question is: Where is her remote?

Sigh. SIGH. SIGH.

I've never revealed this before, but I have an amazing bond with what some of you might think of as a cheap toy store novelty or a parlor trick at best. But that's because either
1) you don't like the truth yours tells you
2) you don't know how to use it right

I'm not going to reveal all my secrets here, but let this suffice: The Magic 8 Ball IS all-knowing, and in the words of the Cristina Aguilera, YOU just have to know how to rub it the right way. And I'm not giving that piece of information up.



Anyway, I asked the 8-ball for you, DeNae. And I know where your remote is. I suggest you fortify yourself with whatever you go to when a bracing glass of cold water won't do the trick. I wish I could be there with you to hold your hand as I tell you this, but I'm sending out a psychic handhold to you right now. Can you feel it? I know, I'm powerful, right?

Your remote...well. It slipped into the fourth dimension. There's a much more complicated explanation the 8-ball gave me involving small creatures that hijack these things because the infrared chip that makes your remote work wirelessly is a power source for their miniature vehicles. But frankly, it sounded like nonsense. I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of that. I CAN tell you that it's definitely in the fourth dimension. I'd say it's time to keep one of your children home at all times in case you may be in need of channel changing.

I'm so very, very sorry. I can happily report that the answers to the remaining questions I've been asked are  not nearly so grim. Happy Wednesday, all. DeNae, just do your best to soldier on.

23 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Her remote is in my Snuggie. This is the same Snuggie that got beer spilled on it at the Britney Spears concert. Not my beer, of course, because I'm much too classy for that.

MommyJ said...

Dude. I totally left her remote in the basket next to the toilet the last time I was at her house.

DeNae said...

Well, I am just completely chagrined. I looked in the fourth dimension not once but TWICE, and while I found my marbles and my virginity - two things I lost waaaay before the remote went on the lam - there was nary a remote in sight.

And NOW I find out that both Kristina's Snuggie AND my bathroom basket o' entertainment are apparently portals to the fourth dimension, which has come as a terrible shock. (Actually, I'm not that surprised about the Snuggie...)

As devastating as this news has been, I appreciate your using your super power for good and not for evil. Your secret is safe with me, all of my readers, all of your readers, and all of the inhabitants of that crazy planet of happy and liberated remote controls.

Live long and prosper!!

DeNae said...

p.s. I've blogged rightbackatcha. Drop by.

Susan said...

Seriously when I think you can't be any funnier...you just are. Thanks for the laugh Melanie and DeNae Whoever-you-are.

L.T. Elliot said...

DeNae and Melanie. Two people I can always rely on to make me laugh and smile.
p.s. I hate to say it, Melanie, but I totally called the enquirer on you. Sorry. They pay well.

Valerie said...

Did DeNae check the dishwasher? I found mine there one time. Just a suggestion...

DeNae said...

I didn't check the dishwasher for my remote, Valerie, but I did find my collander in the VCR.

Ha! I kid...

That Girl said...

Only you could write such a fabulous answer.

Dedee said...

See, my couch is a portal to the fourth dimension, as is my stove. You'd never believe what a stove will do to a key chain trying to get it across the space/time continuum.

stewbert said...

hahahaha ... I think mine is hiding with DeNae's.

I gave up the search and bought a new universal remote at the Evil Empire (Wal-Mart). It was $5.

Becca said...

Um, if you weren't already a Professional Novelist, I would insist that you become one on the strength of the alternative-fuel argument.

Kimberly said...

I worry about you sometimes. Really I do.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Not that DeNae is the oldest blogger alive *cough, cough*, but I just wanted to casually mention that I saw a universal remote control approximately the size of a 9x13 pan with buttons bigger than Diet Coke bottle caps (I'm trying to speak her language) at the drugstore the other day.

Just trying to be helpful.

And I don't want undermine your apparent genius, Melanie, but I could totally tell that all your answers to the other questions came from the Super 8 ball. It's so obvious.

DeNae said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kazzy said...

With the last comment by DeNae deleted I can only imagine it was her cussing you out for your prediction.

You two make an awesome writing pair. I love it!

Carolyn V. said...

LOL. Poor remote. It is gone forever. *sniff*

DeNae said...

I would like it known that my comment was removed by the blog administrator for the simple reason that I inadvertently revealed pretty much everything there is to know about Steph, including her shoe size and the fact that she watched "The Bachelor" the other night.

It was not, as some have speculated, because I finally admitted to free-basing sweetened condensed milk while studying for my Institute class.

Thank you, Melanie, for allowing me to clear up this matter.

Ambrosia said...

Perhaps, DeNae, your remote went to that fabulous place where all the socks venture to. Neverland, of course. I think, Melanie, Neverland is your 4th dimension.

Lara said...

Well, I just hope that DeNae can go on with her life after hearing this news. Because how can we go on with our lives without her blog?

Nishant said...

I didn't check the dishwasher for my remote

Work from home India

Jessica G. said...

The 8 ball truly knows all...please ask it if it knows where my sense of humor has gone because lately, I can't seem to find it.

AS Amber said...

You crazy kids are freaking hilarious! I don't get over here as often as I should! I always have a good time here.

I bow to the wisdom and knowledge of your magic 8 ball. It really is inspired.