Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The joys of sleep deprivation

I'm starting my own online homeschool of the Midvale School for the Gifted, the continuing adult ed version. I'm currently recruiting and while I'm excited to enroll new students, I warn you that I have the highest standards. You MUST be at LEAST on par with one of the most distinguished alumni of the Midvale School: Me.

To decide whether this is really the place for you, ask yourself if you've done  the following at least once. That's a minimum. I've done all of these multiple times. (I told you, I'm one of the best.)

Have you looked everywhere for 

1) Your glasses and found them on your head?
2) A pencil that it turned out was clenched in your teeth?
3) Shaken your keys at your child and demand to know where he put them? (Think about that one.)

Speaking of keys, have you ever attempted to use your key remote to open your house door, clicking it several times before realizing that your CAR is flashing its lights every time you do but your house is totally uninterested?

Have you ever sat at a stop sign waiting for the light to change? You have? Okay. But have you done it more than once in a day?

Have you stuck food items in the wrong place, like the milk in the pantry and the dry cereal in the fridge?
Do you regularly misplace your tv remote and later discover it in a place like on your upstairs nightstand?

Have you accidentally brushed your teeth with something besides toothpaste because it came in a tube and you found it on the bathroom counter? Like say . . . athlete's foot cream?

Have you driven off with the gas pump nozzle still in your tank?

Have you tucked your skirt into your underwear and not noticed? HAVE YOU TUCKED IT INTO THE FRONT?

If you're guilty of some of these things, I'm afraid you're not a fit for us. If, however, you've done ALL of these things plus stuff it's only a matter of time before I do, then drop off your application for the Midvale School for the Gifted in the comment box: you're one of us.

27 comments:

Kim Coates said...

I love this! I have one that's kind of like the stop sign.

Have you ever sat at a green light, waiting for it to change, and wondering why the dude behind you was honking and shaking his finger at you?

Kristina P. said...

Well, I live in Midvale. Does that count for something?

That Girl said...

How bout when you're frantically looking for your child... until he quietly tells you, "Mom, I'm right here?" - and he's in your arms?

Or you're heading out the door and halfway down the street when you realized you forgot the baby?

Or gone to the store specifically for milk and came back with strawberries (they were on sale), diapers (you always need those), and a candy bar (heaven knows you need one) - but no milk?

Or when you ACTUALLY FORGET TO PUT ON A SHIRT that morning? But not til you're standing on the front porch?

Kazzy said...

I have done a number of these things. I hope you get some sleep soon, or you will be a hazard. :)

Susan said...

I'm worried for you. I thought I was the biggest ditz, because yes, I've put the milk in the cupboard and half a dozen other things you listed. But seriously, tucking your skirt into your underwear in the front! It's time for intervention. If I lived closer I'd come get your baby for a few hours while you took a nap. But alas, I'll just have to laugh at your post and hope you aren't a danger to yourself or anyone else.

becca said...

Dear Midvale School,

Thank you for accepting my application, and I am thrilled to hear that you've given me a scholarship. I think it was because of the essay item about putting the keys in the freezer, all the while shouting at a child to give them back, and serving cold cereal (really, really cold cereal) for dinner.

I look forward to our continuing association, if only I can find the keys to get to class.

Sincerely,
Becca

CaJoh said...

The stop sign I can attest to. I even stopped at a stop light like a stop sign. It was real late and I stopped at the stop light, looked both ways and crossed the busy highway. Just after crossing, I saw a police car parked at the gas station on the other side. Luckily they must have been buying doughnuts or I would have had a ticket.

Lara said...

Don't tell anyone, but once I brushed my teeth with Preparation-H. I don't recommend it.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Hee--larious. Oh, and my condolences.

NIKOL said...

Apparently, I don't meet ALL the criteria. But I'm almost there, so maybe they'll accept me as a transfer student next year.

Melinda said...

Oh I so hear ya! I'm so exhausted right now, I just feel bad when people talk to me and I'm staring at them with a glazed look and don't have a clue what they're talking about.

Carolyn V. said...

LOL! I'm so gifted! =) How funny.

Amber said...

This post + the comments made for some awesome laughter. I am SO glad that I have met you in person and can honestly say you really are this funny .

Tucked your skirt into your underwear in the front? Too funny.

I have done numerous things but, of course, cannot remember them at the moment.

Charlotte said...

I have nearly all. I once accidentally used allergy eyes drops instead of contact solution in my case overnight. Can I substitute that for the toothpaste. It seriously overdosed my eyeballs and made them completely dilate. I had to wear my sunglasses inside for the entire day.

MommyJ said...

I slept in poop! That has to give me a few bonus points. And what else... I go out without the diaper bag all the time. Even though I have two kids that need diapers. I think my friends think it's their responsibility to have diapers on hand for my kids. Cause I never have any.

I know there's more. Cause I really am sleep deprived. But I can't remember anything right now. Probably cause of the sleep deprivation.

Kris said...

Those stop signs take FOREVER to change! And sometimes they hide from you and pop out at the last second and you have to slam on your breaks to stop. Even though they are at the end of your street, on the same route you've taken from years. Shame on you, sneaky stop signs.

Have you ever spaced out and followed the car in front of you for several miles before you realized you were in a neighborhood you've never been to before and not on your way to work, like you were supposed to? Yeah, me neither.

LisAway said...

Shoot. I can't apply, but only because this is the first baby I haven't been sleep deprived with. During my pregnancy, however I definitely did things like these. They didn't ever seem as funny as you make them sound, though. . .

nano*ink said...

We forgot Martha when we went to take a family photo.
Often someone in my family says: Did you check the fridge (when I misplace my keys, for example)
Did your family take bets when you got your first cordless phone as to how long it would take before you couldn't find it?
I read all the posts too and totally relate

DeNae said...

My husband bought me a mug with that very cartoon on it. That very one. Said it was me to a T. How do you feel about sharing a brain with the likes of yours truly?

Karen said...

Well, you'll be glad (?) to know it's not just a mom thing. I've done most of the things on that list and then some.

I swear, one of these days I'm just going to install an automatic unlocker thing on the front door so that it will FINALLY work!

Tahereh said...

hee hee hee

great post!!

:D

Amber Lynae said...

I have always loved that comic strip.

So how many times have you put on your shirt then grab your bra only to realize you have yet again done things in the wrong order?

Dedee said...

lolol. I'm not quite there, unless you count the fact that not only have I forgotten my child, I've done it with each child at least once.

You're awesome!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha Did you make all this up? If so, KUDOS! That's brilliant. I could get a scholarship to that school.

Baak Talk said...

Hallelujah!!

I'm so glad to know there is an official diagnosis and place for me in the world... I'm not alone!

Zina said...

I LOVE Karen's idea--I totally need a remote for my front door.

As for the other things, I really try to block them out, but I can't forget the time Dean took my 2 older kids with him on errands and I walked to the church for an Enrichment meeting, and only realized I'd left the baby alone in the house after I got home two hours later. (She slept the whole time.)

ERIN said...

How about driving down the street from your house and realizing you are still talking on your house phone, not your cell phone.
And I haven't brushed my teeth with anything yuck but I have put a whole wallop of Ben Gay in my hair and then used a flat iron on it! Needless to say the flat iron didn't make it. And the smell was terrific.