Dream on

I dreamed about my dad last night. It's maybe only the fourth time since he died four years ago that I've done that. It wasn't all prophetic or creepy or anything. They never are. They're just really normal dreams. Maybe that's why they're so comforting. Sometimes when I have a bad or weird dream about other random things (snakes!), I have a dream hangover that lasts all day.


But not today. It was the opposite. My whole day has been just a little warmer and fuzzier. Last night's dream (or I guess this morning's dream) was me going with my dad to the doctor for a minor procedure he had to have. And it was just like in real life where I bullied him into the car and all the way to the office (to cover for my worry) and he grumbled the whole time (but secretly loved me fussing over him). That was it. Nothing more than that. In the other dream with him that I remember, I was outside weeding a flowerbed and he walked out holding one of my kids. And that was all. We just talked. I was pregnant with the Grant at the time. I don't remember if my dad was holding a boy or a girl in the dream. I like to think it was Grant Baby.


I had a nice day. I like good dreams.

Tim Tams! I'm super popular!

My son is for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER working on an essay he's very excited about. He finds the topic inspiring: Write about a few of your pet peeves.


I can't blame him. It IS inspiring and I'm going to be a good example and write about some of my pet peeves, too. (I checked his essay. His pet peeves are his little brother, his parents, and the neighbors. He will make an excellent hermit.)


Specifically, these are blogging pet peeves. Go ahead and pull out your Judging Hat. Also, you better scrounge out your Paranoid Delusional hat since you just KNOW I'm talking about YOU. 


First, people should not brag about having a large blog audience if you get all your page views for a post that's not actually what your blog is about. For example, I could say I have thousands of readers. It's true in that I have a post with "Tim Tams" in the title that gets a lot of traffic. But these aren't people who come back to my blog again and again. They're probably just trying to figure out what a Tim Tam is and why people love them with a passion and devotion that defies logic or reason. 


They're just yummy, okay?


Anyway, I guess if I really wanted to, I could say my blog has a bajillion readers, but it's a bajillion by the same reasoning wherein Al Gore invented the Internet.


Secondly, there are a whole lot of people who need to figure out what the word "expert" means. An expert is someone who knows enough about any given subject to teach a friggin' PhD level course on the subject. There are a whole lot of "experts" suddenly running around the blogosphere and I blame two things: blogging conferences and the GRIP of "How To Make Money From Home" articles that litter the Internet. 


Blogging conferences are fine. I think they're incredibly helpful tools for serious bloggers the way that writing conferences are excellent for writers. But everyone who is interested in monetizing their blog is taking this "become an expert in something" route and now we've got a lot of faux-experts. In my opinion (did you know I have one?), you'd be far better served in blogging about what you're passionate about and not trying to come off as an expert. Psst . . . if you're not an expert, we're going to figure it out real quick anyway.


I think this is a pet peeve because I see aspiring writers do it ALL THE TIME. Oh, my gosh. Attention, attention, please! If you don't have a book out or you have just one or two books out so far, YOU'RE NOT AN EXPERT. You do not get to be the be all and end all of wisdom on how to write first person point-of-view or how to get an agent or how to market a book. FOR THE LOVE, people.


There's a difference between that and reflecting on writing. Musing = Totally acceptable. How do you feel about trying to write first person? Talk. At length. It's fine by me. But do not go on for 1000 words about the right way to do it until you're in a position to do so. (You look silly.) A reflection on writing from someone who has something to say but doesn't pretend to be an expert: check out LT Elliot's blog post today at Dreams of Quill and Ink.


I think I've said enough. More than enough. I expect I'll hit publish and find myself soon greeting the angry Villagers of Blog at the front door with pitchforks and everything. 


Fine. FINE, I say. I guess my point is, Be Real, and if that means being an expert in something, have the credentials (training, experience, etc.) to back it up.


And let me repeat: Getting a thousand hits a month on your Granny Velda's applesauce cake recipe does NOT mean you have a large readership if you're writing a humor blog.


Having said all that, I'd like to finish with this . . . I love you. And I'm totally not talking about your blog, okay? It's those other ones.

Doh!

I caught myself having the following conversation with my toddler the other day.


Grant: I want chips!


Me: Sorry. No chips until you eat your chicken nuggets and french fries.


Hm. Maybe I need to consider a few changes around here.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Every now and then, I have a stroke of genius.

It's hard to tell because with the glassy eyes and drooling, it's sometimes misinterpreted as a regular stroke or just accidentally landing on FOX News and getting brain freeze, so you kind of have to wait to see which way it's going to go. But generally, when it's a stroke of genius, it's followed by this statement:

Me: You know what, honey? I really should be in charge of the whole world.

Kenny: Which part?

Me: All of it.

Here's my latest brilliant idea. I believe I've mentioned that I like to have dinner guests. (If I'm wrong, you can go through my blog archives to prove it, and then sue me. For dinner.) Whether I like someone or at least find them interesting is determined by whether I use their name in the following sentence: "I'd really like to have ___________________ over for dinner."

For example, I'd really  like to have DeNae over for dinner. But instead she had me (and Karen) over for lunch and you all need to get over your jealousy and go on more road trips that take you through Vegas. Then you too can learn the secret of evil she-trolls. (No, I did not just insult DeNae.)

Anyway, often when I'm watching TV, specifically when I see certain people giving interviews on say, The Daily Show or Ellen, I think, "I want them to come over for dinner." So on to the genius idea . . .

Dinner Guest On-Demand. 

It'd be kind of a cross between a library and cable on demand where you can check out a dinner guest to come eat dinner with you and entertain you and then you return them. (Or just make them leave so you can watch your DVR backlog of stuff with your husband and not have to be polite to a stranger who was amusing at dinner but is now just creepy sitting on your sofa.)

I'd start with the following dinner guests, maybe once a week on Saturday evenings: Justin Timberlake, Condoleeza Rice, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Jon Stewart, Kamala Harris, and Meg Cabot.

And yes, my choices are based on largely who I think will make me laugh, plus some smart women so I look all deep and stuff, but mainly . . . I like funny people. If I can think of any funny women who aren't also totally crass, I'll invite them over, too but my mind is blanking at the moment. I'll think harder and update this post when I come up with some. 

Ooooooh . . . . wait, I know! First dinner guest: Tina Fey!

All right. I'm off to stare at the wall and see if the how-to portion of this stroke of genius comes to me.

As you were.

Happy Sigh

There's something incredibly liberating about blogging only when I feel like it.

Feed Me, Seymour

Oh, my gosh, I have so many blog posts to write and not enough of the following with which to write them:


1. Fingers
2. Brains
3. Minutes on the clock
4. Complete breaths through my left nostril


So I will not be writing my blog post about my love story with Kenny. It's not a long or dramatic story (unless you count the deaths or the tour through Europe) but it has a certain sweetness that comes off better when my brain is not being squeezed by The Hateful Vise of a Super Cruddy Cold. 


Instead, I will tell you the story of why Kenny and I almost did not got married. It's because I was hungry.


Look, I get cranky when I don't have food on demand, okay?


So on one of our earlier dates, Kenny and I were going to this awesome little Thai hole-in-the-wall. But we hadn't been there before and I was super hungry and we were a little bit lost and James kept kicking the back of my seat AND NONE OF KENNY'S JOKES WERE FUNNY. And I don't think I ever snapped at him, but I was not the sweetness and light that I am 99% of the time. 


Okay, 65. Whatever.


And so he got quieter and quieter as the evening wore on. But then I got food and I felt better and so I was trying to save the evening with much laughter and all, and I figured we were all good. 


But then I found out from him much later that he thought he might have glimpsed some sort of latent psychosis and he was thinking, "Maybe this is not such a good idea." But then his sister said, "If she's only been cranky one time and it's because she was hungry and she was back to her usual self after she ate, then YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE."


And he did. But to this day he always carries food in his car at all times.


And we are living happily ever after.

I love you, Facebook, but it's true.

see more Failbook

More funny stuff

Here's the companion map to the one in the yesterday's post. It's how France sees Europe. Let's call it Advanced Nerdiness. It's a 300-level class. (Click to enlarge)

And in case you needed another a laugh, I'm straight owning bake sales with my cupcake skills. Yeah, I drive a swagger wagon:

Check it out, yo.

Lately, I've gotten some linky-love for this post I did about a small tender mercy. Karen even made me her blog of the week. So cool.

I'm going to pay the linky love forward today. There are some blogs I enjoy so much, and I think you should know about them.

But first, a giggle. My husband sent this to me yesterday and if you're nerds like us, you'll find it funny. If you're not a nerd, just keep scrolling to find the linky love.

Europe According to the United States of America (click to enlarge)

On to the links!


First up, my friend Susan. Susan and I have known each other since our freshman year at BYU and have several very good friends in common. Back in the day, she and I were mainly just social friends, but a while back we stumbled across each other on Facebook and discovered we have a love of writing in common. I've read two of her manuscripts and people, you should know: she's dang good. Anyway, she did a post the other day that I thought was hilarious about how she met her husband. Per her challenge, maybe I'll tell my "How we met story" later this week. Anyway, check out Susan's post. It's an entertaining read.


Next up, a guilty pleasure. Please tell me you've heard of The Mormon Bachelorette. I LOVE THE FACT OF ITS EXISTENCE. It doesn't matter if you're a fan of the regular show; I'm pretty sure you'll love this. There's a sweetness and sincerity to this project. It's all done via blog with embedded video clips. These are Huntington Beach Mormons which are a different breed than what you're used to. Possibly I'm becoming obsessed with it since I just moved from HB a few months ago and all, but I don't know these people, so I think I like it just because it's charming. To get started, you can meet Aubrey  and watch the Interview with The Mormon Bachelorette. Once you're done with that, you can watch the auditions from her suitors or just skip to this clip and  watch the first date. But make sure you read the recaps, too!


For a change of pace, I have a couple of more for you. I admit, I tend to be a fan of blogs that skew funny or entertaining. Heavy blogs don't do it for me. I think they provide an invaluable service for the people who write and read them, but they just aren't for me. But there are a few blogs I read that are thoughtful and deep without being "heavy." Check these out: Kazzy delivers a small but polished gem every single day at  Kazzy's Ponderings.  Becca Wilhite is just a delight. It's a lot about writing. It's a lot about other stuff. You'll want to hang out with her. I did, so I did. She's exactly the same way in person. I really, really like her blog and I like her in person even more. Lisa at  Away From It All often blogs about her kids and motherhood and it never, ever bores me. Such a good head on her shoulders. I like hanging out with her, too.


 Steph at Diapers and Divinity is who I want to be when I grow up. She uplifts me and inspires me to do better and more in growing my testimony and understanding of the gospel. But she's not all preachy. She's super smart and totally knows stuff. Lots of gospel stuff. 


Two blogs I'm fairly new to but whose tone I dig are: I just can't get enough of myself and Memories for Later. They're both slice of life but with an underlying sense of humor. It's not so much that they're humor blogs as they are ladies I would totally hang out with who I know would make me laugh.


Now, if I didn't name your blog, ask yourself this: have I mentioned your blog before? Then that's probably why you don't see yourself here. And if the answer is no, then it's probably because I mean to feature you in the future.


I hope your Wednesday is as deliciously rainy as mine.

The dumbest thing you never knew I did

Last year, I entered the first chapter contest at the LDS Storymakers conference. It was a good chapter so I was pretty sure I would place. Probably even win, because it was that awesome. I wore an extra cute outfit on the day they announced the winners because there would be at least 350 people watching me walk up to the stage to receive my "You are awesome" certificate of proof that I can write. It was a bright pink cropped jacket in a cute tweed with a crazy flower applique. Oh, and I had on my skinny denim capris and killer pink high heels. Total business-casual-lunch/who, me?/give-me-my-prize fashionable hawtness.


The announcements were scheduled during lunch and as they previewed the prizes, I thought about how much I would enjoy having the AlphaSmart Neo for the grand prize. I plotted my path up to the front of the ballroom, noting which tables I could most easily weave around. I debated how to get rid of my gum before being called up because we had real plates and cloth napkins, not the convenient paper kind good for stashing used gum.


But the best part, the very best part, was how I teared up at least four times in an hour while I imagined it all. I teared up once because I was imagining the sense of validation I would feel for the countless hours I had spent writing. I teared up another time when I thought of how proud my parents would have been over my win. I teared up again when I thought about making the phone call to my husband. "Guess what, honey? I won!" I teared up a fourth time because I was embarrassed that I kept tearing up.


Finally, they began calling the winners. They got to my category (romance, the largest by far, I think) and the third place was . . . not mine. Oh, wow. Second place? That would be pretty awesome. Did I mention this was a great first chapter? They called second place and it was . . . not me.


Oh, my gosh. I WON. I mean, I thought I had a pretty good chance, but the reality was SO MUCH BETTER than the day dream. I teared up again just from pure emotion.


Then they called the winner. "The winner is . . ."


STILL NOT ME.


And I teared up again. Because I had to excuse myself to the outside foyer where I collapsed in a chair and laughed until I cried at what an idiot I am. If this writing thing doesn't work out, I think I'm going to give "drama queen" a shot. 


P.S. The writing thing is totally working out. I found out three hours later that day that my novel had been accepted by Covenant, and you can all read that first chapter for yourselves this upcoming March when my first book comes out. I hope you like it but just FYI, I will not be preparing any acceptance speeches or planning any acceptance outfits ever again. If I ever win a writing thingy in the future, no doubt I will be accepting the prize in something frumpy with food stuck in my teeth.