The Nerd Herd

I just bought our tickets to Washington, DC for our spring break vacation.


I have a realization every time my finger hovers over the "Buy Now" button on an airline ticket purchase. It is this: even marriage has not completely beaten my inner commitment-phobe out of me. My commitment issues rear their head again every time I have to buy a plane ticket. "Is this really what I want? Have I done my research? Are there any red flags? Do I have the details right? THIS IS  A LOT OF MONEY."


And that's pretty much the only time I still have issues. Buying plane tickets. Oh, or acquiring new house plants. "I don't know . . . I mean, it has to be watered. Like, twice a week. That's a lot of work. Maybe I should just buy a book instead. Dust only improves them."


Anyway, I'm the only person in my family that has been to our fine nation's capital. Many times, in fact. I love it. But my husband, the Nerd King of Planet Earth (and I am his queen and most loyal subject), has never set foot in DC, much less the Smithsonian.


It's a TRAVESTY and I am packing a suitcase and three children across the country to right this wrong. I cannot WAIT to go wandering through the monuments with them, and the federal buildings, and  . . .  well, it's going to be AWESOME. Me, and my little nerds trailing behind me in a runny-nosed, slightly whiny, flush-cheeked, lung-hacking row.


YAY! (And oddly enough, I mean that.)

White trash is a matter of perspective.

You know what makes America great?


Innovation.


You know who is a fantastic innovator?


My husband.


Behold: He is in charge. It is bath time and then bed time for the kids. But they really want Gogurt. But they really need a bath.


And then . . . an idea is born . . .


And that is how my kids ended up eating three Gogurts each in the bathtub last night. Because as Kenny explained, "It was easy clean up."

A Just-Because List

1. Grant decided three weeks ago that he wanted to potty train. We have had exactly one accident. Is he a genius?


2. Homework with my 11-year-old = death by paper cut.


3. My book is listed as #12 in the popularity rankings on the Deseret Book site (romance category). And it's not even out yet. Cool. Thank you, pre-ordering friends of mine.


4. Having a guy in book group is interesting. It definitely adds a new dimension. I like it. Also, the guy is my husband. Bonus.


5. I think I'm going with the second template for my "dating" site. No, I'm going to commit. I am definitely going with #2.


6. Meat that marinates for two hours? Good. Meat that marinates overnight? Yummmmmmmmm...


7. I found a dress I love for my beach-themed book launch party. Want to see? I love: 

8. Eden has a gap between her teeth that's so cute I can't stand it.


9. I think I would marry Becca's green smoothie recipe if I could. It has saved me from mindless afternoon snacking. It is yummy and as another bonus, I feel virtuous every time I drink one. 


10.. My friends Jen and Autie started this website and it's awesome. Go check it out and you will see the coolest craft project I've seen in a long time. Necklaces out of repurposed sweaters:

They're giving me one to give away when I do my book thing, but if you want to win before that, you can go here.


They're the only friends I contacted to give away stuff during my book craziness because I just loved that necklace so much. But it occurred to me I was being kind of exclusive, and I felt bad. If you have a side business or an Etsy shop and you'd like to offer something in my upcoming blog giveaways, let me know. Each week has a theme, so if it fits one of these themes, I'd be glad to promote it for you. (Um, don't be offended if it turns out I'm not sure it fits one of these themes. I can do a give away for you another time, but I kind of already have it in my head how I want this to go.)


1) Beach
2) Fashion
3) Writers and writing
4) Readers and reading


I've already got some pretty cool stuff but this is a case where maybe more stuff really IS better.


Oh, let's go ahead and turn this all the way up to 11.


11. I am losing weight. Slowly, but I'm losing it. How cool is that?

I like girls.

I do. I like hanging out with other girls.


If you meet a girl who does NOT like hanging out with other girls, be careful. She is possibly crazy. Here's exhibit A: if you ever watch a reality show where you hear a girl (usually a pretty one) say, "All my friends are guys. Girls hate me," then you just met the crazy contestant. I guarantee it. Women who have problems getting along with other women have those problems for a very specific reason: they are defined by male attention and are too emotionally damaged to find validation in healthy friendships with other women.


I'd go on my long psychobabble breakdown of my theory here, but let's just stick with: I'm right.


Having said that, I love my husband. Given a choice between hanging out with him or my five closest female friends, there's no question I'd choose him. It's not even a contest.


But . . . I draw a lot of strength from being around cool chicks. I have the friend where we're all about books and shopping, and the friend where we're all about our kids and shopping, and the friend where we're all about eating out and shopping, and . . . well, you get the picture.


I hate making Kenny do "chick" stuff with me, because he never complains. That's why I hate it. He's just so sweet and I hate taking advantage of him more than I already do. So I'm super blessed that I have such fun friends to hang out with in real life. As I get a little older and life gets busier, it's hard to find the time to do it, especially since some of my closest friends still work full-time. But we find a way and we have a fantastic time, every time, even if it's just sitting down to dinner.


I got to hang out with one of my best friends all night Friday and I'll see another one tomorrow. They're kind enough to drive a fair distance to come and see me when my babysitting isn't quite working out. And I come home happier and more delighted than ever to spend time with my husband.


I feel sad for women who have a hard time forming those relationships due to shyness or self-esteem issues. But the ones who drive me straight up the wall are the "other women hate me" types. Dear This-Type-of-Woman: trust me when I tell you that you have ISSUES. Learning to form real friendships with other women instead of attaching yourself to inappropriate males will buy you true happiness, okay? Also, stop going on reality shows.


Speaking of reality TV, I love it. Let's do a round up of last week. The Bachelor: I love Emily, a/k/a Mother Theresa Barbie. I think it's entirely possible she's the first sane woman to ever go on that show. Michelle is not actually crazy--she's shrewd. And Chantal: a tad emotionally unstable. Daddy issues, that's why. American Idol: I love this new panel and don't miss Simon at all. Thought I would, but Steven Tyler is absolutely MAKING this show. Love it. Top Chef: I didn't like Angelo on his season but I did here and was sorry to see him go. I think I want Richard Blais to win. I can't warm up to Dale. Survivor: Um, former federal agent man? Seriously, you said that you were trained to "read people." Trained by who? Emotionally deficient monkeys? You are a train wreck.


Edited to add: If you didn't read Anonymous's comment below, YOU MUST. Dear Anonymous, please be one of my best friends.

Backscratching

I got two things today, one of which helps you and the other of which helps me.

First, are you watching Who Do You Think You Are? It's becoming a favorite Sabbath activity around here. I'd say it's pretty hard to call a church time "ungodly," but 2 p.m. gets mighty close. We spend the morning trying to figure out how to make the day feel special since we don't start with church to set the tone. A couple of weeks ago, we started watching Who Do You Think You Are after breakfast. The short explanation of the show is that it's about family history. Celebrities trace their roots and discover their family stories. It's cool. And Sabbath-appropriate. In my opinion, anyway. If you have cable, you can find the episodes On Demand. Just look for the NBC listings. And they're online at the NBC website.

Second, can you give me an opinion on a little sumpin' sumpin'? I created a fictional dating website that appears in all of my novels called LDS Lookup. We're going to launch the site, but it won't be for actual dating. It will just be the profiles of characters in the novels so people can either find out more about the characters they're reading about or about the ones in upcoming novels.

My friend Cristina designed three templates for me and I'd love your opinion as to which one is better, so be American (or Canadian or dual-citizen Polish or whatever you like) and vote. It'll make you feel good. And not to be rude, but at my core I'm a selfish person, and it will make ME feel good. So click through from your blog reader (lurkers!) (Love ya) and take the little survey at the top of my blog cuz you're cool like that, okay?

OPTION 1

OPTION 2

OPTION 3

A cool gurl.

One of the coolest blogs I read belongs to a girl named McGillicutty. She's fourteen (thirteen?). Her dad and my husband were in a college band together. Their family hangs out with ours sometimes. We like them. A lot.


Anyway, I'd send you over to read her blog but I don't know if her mom would like that and unless I hear differently, you'll have to take my word for it that this girl is a Cool Chick. Great taste in books and movies, etc. 


But wait . . . I suppose I could give you a sample. Here's an excerpt from her blog today:


*Scaffy (her little brother) lost ANOTHER tooth! his teeth are falling out like popcorn. anyways when his last one fell out he left a note for the tooth fairy, asking questions like 'Are you a boy or a girl?' 'What do you do with the teeth?' stuff like that.

And the amazing Tooth Fairy (coughMoicough) answered him thusly:
"Dear Scaffy,
Thank you so much for your letter! I love hearing from children. I hope you understand that the work of a fairy must remain a mystery, so I cannot answer all your questions. But some of them I would be delighted to answer! I am not from your planet Earth. I live in the realm of the teeth, that no human could ever hope to see. In my realm, I plant your teeth like seeds in my garden, and from the seeds grow trees with money on them! Also, I have never lost a tooth myself. That is one of the reasons why I find teeth so interesting. How big am I? I've never actually measured myself, so I don't know for sure. Lets just say that I am big enough to lift your head from your pillow, but small enough to fly out your bedroom window (and yes of course I can fly!) Thank You again for your letter, Scaffy. Enjoy spending your money!
Love,
The Tooth Fairy

You rock, McGillicutty. You so rock. And yes, the rest of you may be jealous now that you don't know her.

LOL

I don't feel funny.


I do feel, however, totally content.


My humor seems to grow out of  . . . well, discontent. I guess? I don't know. Is this true?


All I know is I can't think of anything funny to say, but I am utterly happy at the moment and have been for days. When I am even vaguely annoyed, suddenly I'm hilarious. 


What does this mean? Am I one of those off-putting people who must suffer for their art? Does this mean I must make a trip to Costco where I'm sure something will set me off, probably in the form of a person who does NOT understand the simple concept of keep your oversized grocery car TO THE RIGHT, for the love . . .ahem. You see? Do I have to go to Costco in order to find my funny?


Wait. What if I'm so happy even Costco can't bring me down? What if . . .


What if I have to go to Wal-Mart?


Am I so happy now that it would take a trip to Wal-Mart to ruin it and haul my sense of humor back out?


Is it true? Do I need to feel at least mildly rankled to be find the funny in something? 


You guys . . . I'm scared. Is this the first step (this mining humor from disgruntlement) to writing  literary fiction, once described as "the two most depressing words in the English language"?


Because if it is, I may sit around being all glowy and motherly and housewife-ly and never crack a joke again. 


Yes. That's the plan now because recovering my joke mojo is far too high a price to pay for a trip to Wal-Mart.

I TOLD you so.

Ah hahahahahahaha!!!!!!


Some of you think my delight in the Mormon Bachelorette is crazy. But it's so FUN. And now, I get to say I was ahead of the curve on a trend because look what showed up on LDS Living today:


This story. See? I  know a good thing when I see it.


Read it. Go. Now. It's awesome.


Notice this all grew out of Huntington Beach, CA where my new book The List is set, because it's a really fun place to be single and LDS. Have I mentioned my book? Here:

And I just finished writing my fourth one which means I'm ready to start my next one, and guess what it's going to be about? THE MORMON BACHELORETTE. I already interviewed Erin Shelton (who is awesome, love her) and got all kinds of inside info that started the plot wheels turning in my mind. 


Having said all that, it's Friday, so let's briefly discuss the Mormon Bachelorette, shall we? Okay, so Kimberly at Temporary? Insanity says it's Melanie for the win (not me. Melanie C, duh, otherwise my husband might have hurt feelings). And I like her best but I don't know . . . that date with Jane in New York may have the edge. (Or was that just the music in the video that made me feel that way?) Except Melanie C is moving back here soon from Ohio, so maybe it will be her, after all.


Oh, and my publisher sent me a link to this article in The Mormon Times and I opened it to find my face staring back at me: 


"Melanie and a bunch of other much classier people talk about Valentine's Day."


How fun is that?


Happy Friday, everyone. Oh, and Happy VD, too. No, I mean, Happy Valentine's Day. Kenny and I are celebrating early by going to see A Midsummer Night's Dream tomorrow which (shockingly) I have never seen staged, and by all accounts this production is excellent. Yay! Our very first date was to see Twelfth Night so I like the idea of passing this holiday with Mr. Shakespeare. (Dear Kenny, don't buy me a Valentine's gift this year, okay? I officially absolve you. Unless, however, you feel strongly that you would like to treat me to some Golden Spoon tomorrow night. That is all the gold I require, thankyouverymuch.)

Trying: A. True Charity: D+

So, about charity.


It's not a habit. It's a virtue.


You probably all know that. I'm just kind of figuring that out.


I'm learning to understand that there's a difference between charitable actions and charity as the true love of your fellow human being that comes from a place of compassion and a recognition of their spark of divinity, of that part of God that is in them.


We had a really good lesson on this Sunday. And it's been on my mind a lot. And I realized that I do a lot of good things out of duty, and I can absolutely be counted on, no matter what. And it's good to have a sense of duty. But . . .


That's different than charity. And I'm trying to figure it out. Because I lack. And I see it. And when your eyes are opened to something like that, it's hard to close them again. Dangerous, even.


So that's on my mind.


So I'll be back in a couple of days without any answers, but that's okay. I'll have figured out a game plan. But in a way that I work toward the virtue, not the habit, of charity.


And then I'll tell you about Grant and his adventures in big boy underpants. I should have bought the plain ones. (It's like I have no common sense.)

I am rolling my eyes at you.

I guess there are only two of us in the whole wide world who take kid pee into consideration when dressing. (I refer to yesterday, of course. I am Queen of the Non-sequitur but that would otherwise be a bit much even for me.)


Fine. You are all parents of remarkably well-trained children.


And GO HERE for to witness the greatness that is a brand new blog and win a really stinking cute necklace made from recycled sweaters. It's hard to explain. Just go. Go now!

What Not to Wear

Tuesday was a new low. I woke up and stood rifling through my closet, excited to pick out something to wear. Looking forward to dressing up.


Because I was going to the dentist.


How did I get to this point? This point where other than Sunday, going to the dentist is my reason for dressing up?


And no, my dentist is not hot.


But he represented the Holy Grail of my current phase of motherhood: Getting Out of the House Without the Children.


I used to be considered quite stylish. 


I have a massive shoe collection. I can't wear anything that would result in a broken ankle if I tried to chase a toddler while holding an infant. This eliminates 90% of my shoes.


I have a fantastic accessory collection. We are at the point where I can't wear necklaces or earrings because 1) Eden broke three necklaces in a row and I'm only dumb enough to experience something three times before I learn my lesson and 2) I enjoy my earlobes in their current condition.


It's really hard to maintain my wardrobe standards 1) without the help of a nanny and 2) when the uppermost question in my mind while dressing is, "How will I feel if pee gets on this?"


Good news, honey! Your credit card will likely atrophy before I pull it out to shop any time soon.

Hawaiian Vacation

I wanted to go to Hawaii. So I did. It cost me about $15. Here's how you do it.


Go to the Deseret Book site and order a copy of Bumpy Landings by Don Carey. Make yourself some sort of pink frothy fruity blender concoction, and curl up with both of these items for a few hours. This book will totally whisk you away to the island of Oahu, balmy breezes, tropical flowers, and all. It's a seriously relaxing read. What I found to be Don's greatest strength as a writer is that If he writes about Laie, you're right there, seeing and smelling it. If he describes photography, you're convinced he's a world class photographer. After reading about the main character Jordan's obsession with learning to fly an airplane, I was convinced Don-the-author must be an experienced pilot. He's not. But he's an imaginative dreamer and it's plain in his writing through the level of detail he reaches without ever boring the reader. It just makes the whole story feel more realistic.

I'm the kind of author that tends to have my lead male characters a little on the alpha male side, so it was interesting to read about a nice guy who didn't feel the need to play top dog. The main character, college student Jordan, is the guy we all knew in college and thought, "Why aren't any girls smart enough to snap him up?" without thinking to do it ourselves. But as the story unfolds and his confidence increases, the girls begin to take notice and things are looking good for Jordan. Um, except for the part about how his mom is going to kill him when she finds out he's taking flying lessons. Oh, and the part where the girl he really digs is into someone else. Uh, who happens to be his archnemesis. So . . . that's awkward.


Don has no problem with his book being classified in the "romance" category, but he calls it a coming-of-age story. It's really both, because I think it's becoming who you're meant to be that allows you to experience true love.


This warm weather, sweet romance, tropical-island-hop is a great read for those of you stuck in this crazy storm going on. (Well, not here. But I'm not going to laugh too loudly at the rest of you in case karma decides to pay me a visit. Not that I believe in that stuff. But I am knocking on wood right now.) Oooh, and you can check out the contest Don is running right here. It's very easy to win!


Oh, and sort of on the subject of writing, if you're going to the LDS Storymakers conference in May and you want to, check out this contest. You can win a seat at the Friday night dinner table of some illustrious writers and agents. But don't feel pressured to. In fact, don't go check it out. Better chances for me. (Okay. Fine. Go. It's a dang good prize.)